anxious holidays

a couple of days down and we'll be the same age.

though i'm excited, i also dread that day.

because i know i will call you.

and i'm scared of what the answer might be.



i hope i hear your voice.

and not some reject or unanswered call tone.

...

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako, nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Nasusuka ako, kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod, kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo
Yung tipong ang sagot, ay di rin isang tanong

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Dahil, di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil, di na

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo... Nahihilo...
Nalilito...

- migraine
by moonstar88

***

i used to sing this to you.

you just didn't hear it.

still no escape

i was on vacation.

i wasn't thinking about you.

not at all.

but your name just had to follow me there.

on a boat.

and then i had a dream about you again.

just before i woke up for that island trip i was so looking forward to.

the feeling of uncertainty about you was evident in my dream.

the same feeling i had when i was seeing you.

***

on my way to the island

the waves were so strong

they splashed sea water on my face.


they tried to wash off my tears.


it didn't deserve to reach and land on

my beautiful island.

the culprit

i saw your car again a couple of weeks ago.

and i was able to somehow fight the sadness that slowly tried to creep in.

i've been trying to move you at the back of my mind now.

i've been trying to take little steps.

i've been trying to move on.

***

something made me sad today.

and after all the times that i tell myself and other people that i'm not mad at you for what happened, today was the first time that i put the blame on you.

***

you weren't the reason why i got sad today.

but you had a big chunk of a part why that sad thing happened.

yes, you.

this time, i resent you for what you did to me.

it wasn't good.

for me and for a lot of people.

fantasy

i saw your car again last night.

there's still a tug in my heart.

it made me feel sad.

i'm living on fantasies of you.

you back

holding me tight in your arms.

no good.

i'm pathetic.

i'm still stuck.

i still think about you.

i still cry about you.

i still long for you.

i'm still hoping.

and i'm still waiting for you
to come back.

instincts and melancholic realizations

i should've listened to my instinct last night.

i already felt that something was gonna happen that night that would make me uneasy. the feeling was just there.

a few minutes after, i saw your car pass by.

i didn't see you. but i saw your car. and it was enough.

i felt like my mind was erased blank all of a sudden. i was trying to listen to my bestfriend talk about his recent discoveries but his words fell on deaf ears. i was not there. i was not ready for any sign of your presence even if i hoped for it.

and i felt really sad all over again.

when i got home, tears started to flow again. and i didn't know what i was crying about exactly.

as i think about it now, i should've listened to my instincts a long time ago.

but i just had to give my poor little heart a chance to feel again. it doesn't happen often anyway.

i guess i gave it too much of a chance.

too much, i allowed it to be stomped on.

very apt

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

Insensitive

Insensitive

- by Jann Arden

***

i didn't realize how appropriate this song was for me when i sang this at a party i went to a few nights ago.

and, as i hoped i wouldn't, i cried a river of tears again that night as i was about to go home.

i wanna bury this pain.

i'm slowly digging the grave.

again.

i dreamt of you again last night.

i don't think about you anymore. i try not to.

but you're just there.

and i still cry over you.

and despite the foolishness that i feel for still hanging on, i still hope.

and i still believe.

are you supposed to be here forever?

because it's been painful.

because of last night

Out of reach
by Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be ok

But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

And now I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach I can see
There’s a life out there for me

***

i allowed myself to be stupid last night.
i pleaded to you.
i swallowed my pride.
i allowed myself to look and seem desperate.
i was.... desperate for a friend, for someone to talk to, for you.

and i had my ego crushed.


i don't matter to you. and i don't deserve this.

but as long as you're still occupying even the farthest crevices of my brain and the deepest recesses of my heart, i will write here.

until you're gone. really gone.

grey and blue

i've been crying again lately...

not just because of you, but of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.

but mostly because of you.

i've been meeting people. new friends and old.

some have expressed interest.

and whenever i think about giving it a try, i cry.

i'm not ready to let go of you. not just yet.

i know.

because i dreamt of you last night.

we were about to make love in my dream.

now everything's a blur.

...

Latest Mistake
by Mandy Moore

There is part of me that wants an answer
And part of me that doesn't want to know
Part of you that I am in love with
And the part that I am willing to let go

This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Maybe I shouldn't do this
Or love you anymore

Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you'll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don't understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone's gonna have to step up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

unwell.

people have been telling me to move on, to open myself to possibilities - other possibilities of love.

i've been trying to entertain the idea.

i don't know. i don't feel ready for it. but i'm thinking about it.

and this morning, just when i started thinking about the possibility of seeing other people again, i cried again.

and it hurt so much.

and i realized that i'm really not yet ready.

you see, sniffer, i still can't let go.

i'm still hoping.

i still believe.

i still love you.

surprise. surprise.

i thought that the first half of this year would end with you gone.

and then you suddenly wanted to see me.

i fell in shock when i saw your message asking me out for coffee.

and then i knew this was the chance i was waiting for to talk to you, to tell you what i feel and what i think about things.

but i was so nervous to see you again.

i tried to be cold when i saw you. but i couldn't help it. i couldn't help but warm up a bit to you.

i was so bothered thinking of how to broach the topic so i just kept quiet most of the time.

and the place where you took me. it was something. it was so nice i couldn't help but loosen up, cozy up to the place, to you.

i had a nice time. but i began to feel that my purpose won't be fulfilled before the night ends.

i knew i had to do something since you seemed oblivious to the fact that you have been gone.

and just as i was about to get out of your car, i stopped myself and opened up.

i'm glad i talked to you about it, about how i felt. i'm glad i was able to be honest to you. because i wanted to lay the foundation of honesty again in our relationship, whatever relationship this is called.

i felt a bit of relief after that. hearing your answers reassured me that, yes, i really know how you think somehow.
and, yes, i still mattered to you.

but i also got worried about you, hearing your reason for not keeping in touch that long.

i was proud of you, trying to learn, trying to grow. but i got worried for you. you deserve so much better, sniffer. but, i guess, this is part of your growing pains. and if you have to go through this to come out a better person, then i'll just be here for you, whatever happens.

i am your friend too.

i will always be here for you.

and i still love you.

dreams

1
i invited you to give a talk to a group of people at an event. you said yes. but i found it weird that you looked like how you were back in college when you transferred already at the other university. your hair was how i saw it in one of your pictures in your bedroom.

you were wearing an orange shirt, which was strange because you don't wear that color.

you delivered your talk in tagalog, which was another strange thing, because you taught english grammar.

while delivering your talk, you addressed one girl in the audience (who was also in orange) as "babe", and asked her a question in english. i remember feeling so furious when you did that. but i also remembered that talk about calling me 'dear' not 'babe'. i couldn't see her face. she was petite though. and i only remember her hair.

at the end of your talk, the same girl approached you and talked to you. i was already feeling jealous. and my jealousy heightened when you left the venue with her. i was so furious and so hurt that my friend had to comfort me. it also felt weird that i didn't know her but i knew her name.

i was surprised when you came back. but i only saw you from afar. you were looking for someone. i knew you were looking for me because i was the only one who knew in that event.

i was relieved for a moment. but when you saw me looking at you, you suddenly avoided my look and left as if you got scared.

i was so hurt in that dream. it felt real. so real that i woke up crying.


2
i was inside a bedroom that looked like mine. my mom was knocking at the door so i opened it and she told me that something was already taken care of, that your parents already bought it for my parents and that i need not worry about it. in my dream i felt weird about that. i was thinking why would your parents do that for my parents. and i realized in my dream that we were already married, probably civilly, and that your parents wanted us to get married because of my situation. i was pregnant in my dream.

i was in a big bedroom, a bedroom which seemed like it was situated in a condominium. i was lying down on the bed, taking my rest, talking to a fat, asian-looking woman who seemed like she was a stand-up comedienne. she was trying to make me laugh. she was asking me how i could have ridiculously forgotten to inform my friends that i already got married to you.

in my dream, i was only 2 months pregnant but i already felt the belly bump. i was telling this woman how i excited i was for the baby.

at one end of the room near the big bedroom windows, you were seated in front of the computer busy doing work. i was rubbing my belly when i felt 2 heartbeats. i was so excited i called you to come over so you could also feel the heartbeat. you wouldn't leave what you were doing. i called over and over again but you wouldn't come. until you finally stood up and walked a few steps, but your eyes and your attention was still on the computer. i felt so disappointed because of your reaction that i said 'nevermind'. and the moment i said that, you immediately went back to your work.

i went to sit on the floor by the bedroom window just behind you and just stared at the view outside. i looked at you and i felt sad. the fat lady saw everything that happened. she went to me and asked me what's the problem with you. i just said you're too busy. she asked me if i was ok with that, if i was ok about everything. and i replied to her saying 'this is how it is'.

again, i woke up with tears in my eyes.


3
we were lying on my bed.
you were looking straight in my eyes, touching my face.
your eyes were sad.
and you hugged me and kissed me.
and then you said you missed me.

i wished it to be true. i yearned for it to be so true.


4
a short one. you said you missed me. you hugged me and kissed me.


5
i was with a friend at a beach resort that looked like the one i went to recently. i was surprised to see you there. and then you kept me company. but i was feeling a bit of distance. the distance i felt the last time i saw you. in my dream, i was denying that feeling. you were there but i didn't feel you "there".

we crossed the beach walking, you were walking ahead of me, eager to reach the shore. when my friend had the chance to talk to me alone, she asked me i was with you. i told her you wanted to go with me. and she said i should be cautious now, that i should guard myself this time and guard my heart coz you might disappear again anytime just like you did.

you were walking ahead of us. i was still having a talk with my friend so we continued walking but you stayed at the deck near the shore. i left my bag and my phones with you before proceeding to that walk and you said you might go ahead later on back to our room.

when my friend and i got back to the deck, you were gone with the things i left with you except for my phone. i figured you went ahead back to our room already and you had my bag with you.

it was a long walk going back to the rooms. when we reached the floor of our rooms, i was shocked to hear two voices coming from our bedroom. one was yours. the other one was a female person's. the bedroom had two doors beside each other. both doors were open. the entrance to the bedroom looked like my own bedroom.

since both doors were already open, i partly saw the view of the room, but i already saw the edge of the bed. and i could see that you were lying on the bed because i saw your legs near the edge. but i also saw the view of the back of the girl who was on top of you. both of you weren't naked but it seemed like you were having sex while talking. i could hear you both talking.

my friend was walking ahead of me. she was already able to enter the room and i was just behind her. i almost entered the room. and as if sensing the tension and the panic that i was feeling, she slammed the other door shut so i wouldn't have to see the whole thing that was happening inside our room.

i couldn't find myself entering the room anymore. i was in shock, in pain. i couldn't breathe and tears were just flowing from my eyes. i was in a daze. i didn't know if i was going to run away from that place or if i was going to show up inside the room. i felt so confused.

i think i tried to run away silently. but my tears overflowed and i was having trouble breathing i wanted to scream. just like how i wanted to scream when i learned about the post you made at this site that our friend saw.

surprisingly, i woke up not crying. i was just relieved to know that it was just a dream. but it made me think.


6
we were at a store that looked like saks on fifth avenue in new york. we started running after each other, sometimes holding hands sometimes just running like kids playing tag. we were happy like kids. i felt happy.

sometimes, while running, you would be so near me, you'd grab me and hug me from behind and smell my hair. and we'd just continue running and gliding like the floors were so smooth to glide on. i felt so good at those times.

later on, it seemed like we were both running to catch up on something, like having to meet a deadline. at the end of that store, there was an elevator. we went inside it. and when it opened to a different floor, we got off to an office that looked like a psychiatrist's office.

you sat on one chair and there was another man in the room, a foreigner. he was surprised to see me there. he was a bit alarmed actually. i think he was still the one in session and that we came too early. he wasn't finished yet so he told me i wasn't supposed to be there in the room. i looked at you and had a questioning look on my face. and, as if, reading my mind, you said it was ok, that i can wait outside until it was your turn, that you were going to wait inside because it was ok and that you were next. and i figured that this was a visit to your psychiatrist. i was about to go out of the room when the man asked me a favor that if a man named howard was looking for him, have howard go inside the room.

i went outside. and then i woke up.

***

i wish i knew what my dreams about you meant. i wish they could give me answers to my questions. i wish it held the key to unlocking the mystery that is you.

blind. dense.

why are you hurting me? why are you hurting me this way? don't i matter to you anymore? do i still matter to you? do you still think about me? why don't you try to see me? why won't you see me and talk to me? do you still wanna see me? do you still think i'm special? what's wrong? why are you pulling the plug? or have you already pulled the plug a long time ago? why are you breaking my heart? why? why can't you just let me know what's on your mind even if it might hurt me? are we friends? are we still friends? do you still see me as more than a friend? can you still see me as more than a friend? do you still like me? do you still love me? did you ever love me? do you feel that i love you? do you KNOW that i love you? do you know that you're hurting me right now? do you know that i cry because of you nowadays? are you deliberately doing this to really hurt me? why? what for? don't you want me anymore? don't you love me anymore? don't you miss me anymore? are you really breaking my heart on purpose? why? why didn't you give us a chance? why didn't you let our love grow? why?

...

Unsaid
by Julianne

Do I have to lose you now
So I can gain you some other time?
Do I have to take a bow,
End the show before the curtain call?

Do I have to look the other way
Coz we just got too much to say?
Did it even have to be like this
For you and I? I wanna know why.

Even if I know what I've been told
To let go means to surrender my control.
But it isn't easy to have loved and not survive.
Was is for the wrong reason?
Or maybe the wrong season?

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

Do I have to be broken one last time
So I can be made whole again?
Do I have to be chastised
To be saved and rescued from the fire?

Do I have to be reminded of all this
That I didn't even own a thing to begin with?
No right to claim,
No right to put the blame
On anyone or anything

Even if I know what I've been told
To let go means to surrender my control.
But it isn't easy to have loved and not survive.
Was is for the wrong reason?
Or maybe the wrong season

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

Do I have to watch you go ahead
Leaving me with out a word said?
Do I even get the opportunity to say my plea?
I hope now you're hearing me.

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

I wanted to see the light.
I wanted you to see the light.
I wanted us to see the light.
... Open up your eyes time
To open up our eyes...

dream

sniffer,

i had a dream about you last night.
we met up.
you missed me.
you hugged me.
you held my face in your hands.
you kissed me.

when i woke up, i prayed so hard for it to come true.

is it possible to let go and still hope?

hopefully weary

i'm slowly disarming myself....
i'm pushing myself to face the sun...
i'm trying to open my eyes
to the very blinding light of truth.

i'm slowly opening my hands,
loosening my grasp
when i haven't even
held you enough yet.

i still hope.
i still believe..
i can silently and secretly wait.
still.

i am hurt.
i am sad.
but i find myself blind
even with open eyes.

all because of this heart
that loves you.

14 days

i was broken, rambling and ranting.

i was confused, scared to admit that that might be it.

i was reluctant but hopeful still.

i was pushed to move on by people who love me.

i was preparing myself for the possible heartbreak.

i was starting to surrender. and eventually let go.

and then that simple message from you changed everything.

again.

***

you miss me. i know you do.

i miss you too.

...

My Greatest Flaw
by D'Sound

Am I such a drooling fool, that all I ever think of is you?
And am I such a ludicrous girl, to make you the center of my world?
Spring time has come and gone again
When my phone rings, I hope that it's you
although I shouldn’t want it to

Because you… you are my greatest flaw
And I’m so ashamed to say, I’ll do it again everyday
You… You are my greatest flaw
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart

I want to see you then I don’t
I jump into the feelings then I won’t
And when I do you're wasting my time
Trashing what is left of my spine

Summer is playing its greatest hits
Every Friday, I hope that we meet
although I shouldn’t wish for it

Because you… you are my greatest flaw
And I’m so ashamed to say,
I’ll do it again everyday
You… You are my greatest flaw
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart

Didn’t I tell you so?
Didn’t you even know?
Didn’t I tell you so?
Yes I know…you’re my greatest flaw

Because you…
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart
You… You are my greatest flaw…
And I’m so ashamed to say,
I’ll do it again everyday
You… You are my greatest flaw…
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart

breakfast. kisses. and sniffs

i was really touched when you thought of having breakfast with me last week, sniffer.

even if our work schedule didn't agree, you even thought of having breakfast because you knew it was the only time that we'd be able to meet up.

i felt like you really missed me already.

but the breakfast didn't push through.

it made me sad. did it make you sad?

***

i asked to see you last weekend. you were at work yet you agreed to see me even if you were already tired. i appreciate that.

but when we met up, you were so distant. i don't understand it.

again, i felt that feeling of disconnection, that feeling of just being friends.

don't get me wrong. i'm glad that we are friends. but it was way too casual. way too casual for two people who are supposed to be "dating".

i guess i got so used to you being so sweet and so affectionate in the beginning.

and, now, are you withdrawing it?

***

i asked you if you missed me.

i was just waiting for simple answer, that you did.

but you gave me a sarcastic answer. and i started to get scared.

***

i told you you were becoming a bit distant lately, and you couldn't answer me.

you just whined, laughed and told me we'll just have coffee one of these days.

i felt more scared.

***

when you brought me home, i asked for a hug. twice. i couldn't feel you.

and then i kissed you. on the lips.

and it broke my heart.

because i didn't feel you at all, sniffer.

i didn't feel you respond.

***

why is this happening?

sniffer, please don't break my heart.

at least not this way.

coffee and jealousy

you almost pissed me off that weekend when we were supposed to have coffee.

and i tried not to expect anything anymore. i tried not to mind it.

funny how you made it up to me the next day.

i was so glad you saw me that day coz i knew you'd be surprised at how i looked. was i pretty for you that day, sniffer?

i knew i was.

***

you thought that what i was supposed to give you was the news that we will be anticipating something soon.

was it just me or did that look in your eyes really gave a glimmer of disappointment when i said that we weren't?

you made a joke about that risk. you said you tried to make it happen.

sniffer, deep inside, i tried too. i was hopeful too. even for just a bit. even if we weren't ready.

***

it was your mom's birthday that day. i was happy you wanted to make her feel special by giving her flowers. that was so sweet of you.

***

there was a little flip in my heart whenever you called me dear in front of other people, even people we didn't know.

and when you asked for my opinion on the shirts you were buying... i felt like a girlfriend. i had a giddy feeling, just like a little girl.

the sweet little things you do and say really make me happy, sniffer. i appreciate it a lot.

***

you asked me to have coffee again the next day. since it was a rare opportunity for us, i agreed to go.

but you made me so jealous. you even had to use my friend to make me feel so jealous!

why sniffer? why?!

and you laughed while i was reacting! you were having a grand time making me feel jealous!

i can't understand you.

***

there is one more thing though.

you weren't so sweet anymore. it felt like i was with a friend that day, just a friend.

it was a complete turnaround.

i don't understand.

i'll be there

funny how i saw you by accident last week, sniffer.

i knew i was at the right place and at the right time.

coz if i wasn't there, you would've gone home really pissed off with no one to talk to. i hope seeing me made you feel even just a bit better.

you couldn't thank me enough for staying up 'til the wee hours of the morning just to listen to you rant. haha!

truth is, i thank you for wanting to talk to me after what you've been through that day. i do appreciate it.

and i'm glad i was able to be there for you even for just a few hours.

that was my way of showing you that i care so much about you.

***

you were still worried about the risk.

i wasn't.

i wanna let you know that it's ok now. there's no more risk. no more worries for you. or for me.

***

i found out so much about you again. about your work, about the last person you dated, about how you wanted your wedding rings to be.

your wedding rings kinda made me think. and i thought it was cool.

i'd just have to imagine them done on me though...

***

my heart skipped a beat when you asked for a kiss. i tried to avoid it and see how you'd react. you still wanted it.

i'm glad you still do.

***

this week gave me a lot to think about though.

i had dreams about you. dreams about the risk that we went through. and i felt sad and irritated knowing that even your schedule was normal again, you didn't even bother to see me or send me a message.

is there something wrong again?

i hope not.

i miss you, sniffer.

hey, i miss your warmth

Even If
by Mojofly


I was just wondering what you're doing
It's been a while since i've seen you
Another day gone by without you
Another day of feeling blue
I never thought it'd be this way
My image of you changed my world
But i want you to know

I'm not looking for a one night stand
Dance with me come closer
I'll be the best you've ever had
Cause i've been trying for so long to tell you
You're the only one for me
Just say the words and i will be there
Even if you won't be comin' around

I know i'm not a saint
But the things you heard about me
Yeah you know they're not true
I think about you everyday
My intentions are clean

I'm not looking for a one night stand
Dance with me come closer
I'll be the best you've ever had
Cause i've been trying for so long to tell you
You're the only one for me
Just say the words and i will be there
Even if you won't be comin' around

Maybe i'm such a dreamer
But i know i can do this right
With you there's no tommorrow

I'm not looking for a one night stand
Dance with me come closer
I'll be the best you've ever had
Cause i've been trying for so long to tell you
You're the only one for me
Just say the words and i will be there
Even if you won't be comin' around

crazy. beautiful.

finally.

i've never done something so crazy and beautiful with anyone so special, sniffer.

it happened so naturally. i didn't feel awkward at all. not for a first time.

i was ready. i didn't think twice. it just felt right.

and then you said you wanted me. even the look in your eyes said it.

so, i said yes.

***

there was a risk though.

but, still, i didn't feel worried about it. i'm still not worried about it now.

i honestly cannot imagine how strong and calm i am about it.

maybe because i know, if it happens, it will be ours.

***

i loved looking at you sleep. i loved how you embraced me to keep me warm. i loved feeling your breath on my neck.

i love your warmth, sniffer.

i hope you know that i love you too.

a bit stronger

i resolved to let you be. i was even resolved to ready myself with the idea of letting go. and move on.

i prayed so hard for those times that i cried, those times that i had sleepless nights and loss of appetite for everything.

i prayed so hard for God to take away the pain i was feeling that time. but i also asked Him for you. i asked Him to keep you safe no matter what. i asked Him to keep your family safe always.

and i asked God to let my love for you reach you. in whatever way, i don't know. and i resolved to be stronger.

and, just as always, you surprised me again.

thank you, sniffer.

***

last week, when you started communicating to me again, i was starting to guard my heart.

i didn't know how and what to think about your sudden absence and your sudden resurfacing in my life.

and when i saw you again, my hurts and doubts slowly started to be erased.

how do you do that to me, sniffer? how and why do you have that effect on me?

***

i didn't want to spoil our night by bringing up the issues i waited so long to talk about. i knew for a fact that we missed each other so much, i didn't want to dampen our moods.

funny how you brought them up, sniffer. again, you surprised me.

***

you asked me why i got mad at you. i didn't. i told you that. i'm glad i was able to apologize to you that night. i'm glad i was able to explain to you why i reacted that way the last time i asked to see you. and when you said sorry for not being able to be there for me... it meant a whole lot.

when i told you that i thought you got mad at me for reacting that way because you seemed to avoid me for weeks, i was surprised again to find out that you actually thought that i didn't want to see you. i don't think i can ever bear that - not seeing you. it broke me in those weeks that i didn't. it'll break me if i know that i won't ever again.

***

i know you're so caught up with your job. and i know that you're just establishing yourself. and i'm so proud of you for accomplishing so much in your work.

but, at least, i know you missed me, sniffer. i'm glad you did.

coz i did too.

***

and , now, i resolve to let you be all the more. i won't pressure you. and i will just be here for you.

i guess that's how much i love you.

resolutions

my heart and my mind are both overwhelmed right now. the former with emotions, the latter with thoughts.

it's been the heaviest week for me, sniffer. and i have finally come up with a resolution.

i will let you be. not let you go, but let you be.

any logical person would tell me to stop this madness and move on. but i know i can't yet. and i know that the right time will come when i'll finally decide to move on, if i need to.

but for now, i will let you be. you will have so many excuses right now as to why you can't see me. i will accept that.

but i know this for a fact-you know my worth. i know you do. it's what you're gonna do about it that's scaring you because you're really not ready for anything. in plain truth-you're not that into me. or maybe not just yet. that's why i'll let you be. until you finally have the courage to see me or talk to me again.

because i know one day you will.

until then, i will just be around. i will try to make my life normal again. i will try to be ready to be extraordinary again. because that's what i am-extraordinary. and you know that.

i know i will always have a special place in your heart. you will always have a space in mine too.

but until you finally appreciate my worth, i will let you be.

i won't leave you. i will just be here, most especially if you need me. because we were, first and foremost, friends. and i'd like to think we still are.

and if you're ready to see me or talk to me, i will be here. i won't drive you away.

***

in the movie "dan in real life", it was said that love is not a feeling, but an ability.

i love you, sniffer. i chose to love you. and i know i haven't exhausted all my efforts yet to show you and prove you that.

that's why i'm letting you be.

i miss you.

so much that it's breaking my heart.

please let me know if you still think of me. please still be there.

reminiscing

i remember the last time we were together, sniffer.

you cannot imagine how happy i was that night. I was nervous. I shocked myself. But I said those things and did those things because I wanted to let you know and feel that I'm here, i'm present and that i want you. and that there's a chance for both of us. and that it's you i would want to do it with in the future.

it was so... intimate and so crazy! but i didn't regret it. and i enjoyed it because it was with you.

i can't stop myself from wanting to go back to the moment when you hugged me, when you kissed my head, when you smelled my hair, when you looked at me that way. desired me that way. kissed me that way.

i want it back, sniffer. i need it back. i need YOU back.

please don't leave.

confused. and hurt.

sniffer, what did i do?

i haven't seen you for 2 weeks now. I haven't talked to you for almost 2 weeks now.

did i say something wrong? did i do something wrong? what? why?!

my heart is breaking and i don't understand why you suddenly shifted moods. was it something i said the last time we talked? i was just feeling so lonely and so sad that time. please understand.

i'm sorry. if it pissed you off, how i reacted to why you couldn't see me, i'm sorry. i didn't get mad, i promise.

did i turn you off? what made you become this way? why did you suddenly shut yourself off?

sniffer, i miss you so much. i wanna see you so badly but i can't ask you nor contact for fear that i might irritate you. again.

sniffer, what did i do? please call me, message me, keep in touch with me.

i had this fear last week when we had that little 'fight'. i thought you wouldn't want to hear from me again.

But you sent me a message last monday. and i honestly got surprised. why did you ask how i was? and why after a few exchange of messages and after you found out i was out of town you did not keep in touch anymore?

sniffer, please don't break my heart. please.

i love you and i miss you.

...

Paano Kita Iibigin
by Regine Velasquez


Paano ang buhay kong ito
Ngayon tayo ay magkalayo
Hindi pa ba sapat ang aking pag-ibig
Di ba’t nag-sumpaan tayo

Sino, ano ang hinahanap mo
Bakit nagkukubli’t nagtatago
Ang tunay mong hangarin
Ba’t di sabihin sa ‘kin
Mahirap ba akong mahalin

Paano kita iibigin
Kung di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
Maghihintay ako sabihin mong mahal mo na ako

Paano kita iibigin
(Paano ang buhay kong ito)
Kung ‘di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
(Ngayon tayo ay magkalayo)
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
(Hindi pa ba sapat ang aking pag-ibig)
Maghihintay ako na sabihin mong mahal mo na ako
(Di ba’t nag-sumpaan tayo)

Di ko matitiis ang malayo ka
Kung kailan ako nagmahal mawawala pa
Mawawala ka

Paano kita iibigin
(Paano ang buhay kong ito)
Kung ‘di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
(Ngayon tayo ay magkalayo)
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
(Hindi pa ba sapat ang aking pag-ibig)
Maghihintay ako na sabihin mong mahal mo na ako
(Di ba’t nag-sumpaan tayo)

Paano kita iibigin
Kung di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
Maghihintay ako sabihin mong mahal mo na ako

Maghihintay ako (maghihintay ako)
Na sabihin mong (na sabihin mong)

Mahal mo rin ako

***

Manhid
by Regine Velasquez


Mahal, kailan mo ba ako tunay na makikita?
Mahal, yayakapin kita nang walang hanggan
Ngunit hindi ako ang iyong nakikita
Hindi ang yakap ko ang iyong nadarama

At sa tuwing ako'y hinahagkan
Ng mga labing katabi ng walang hanggan
Sa hangin ang puso'y dumadaan

Mainit mo ako ngayong hinahawakan
Mga kamay mo'y naglalakbay kung saan-saan
Mainit mo akong binabalot ng iyong kalungkutan
Natutunaw ako sa init ng iyong katawan

Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Kailan mo ba ako mararamdaman?

O kay tagal maghilom ng mga sugat mo
Abutin ko man malalim ito
Malulunod ako...

Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Kailan mo ba ako mararamdaman?

rollercoaster 'til valentine's day

"I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever."

tonight, it will be a month since we first saw each other again after 10 years. as I recall what has happened since then, i cannot help but imagine myself in a rollercoaster.

why? because i have experienced a lot of emotions in the past couple of weeks that we have been seeing each other.

at one point, you would be so sweet and serious, explaining to me why things are the way they are and how and why you think and feel this way right now. it made me happy at those times that i feel that we are bonding, that we - "us" - matters.

and then at another point, you will say things and do things that would make my heart drown in tears.

still, i will try to understand.

***

i was very surprised when you explained to me why you called me "dear". you said it meant that the person is very special and that it was a very rarely used term of endearment. thank you.

but you also asked me if we really needed to be a couple for us to know if this is going somewhere or not. it kinda broke my heart when you said that. that would mean i won't have anything to hold on to. at least not for now. i hope just for now.

***

i went to your house when you asked me to so we could hangout. you surprised me again. i thought you said that you wanted to start inviting me at your house so we could hangout but you were scared that your parents might be worried again because once they see you dating again and see that you're very much into me that you might not be able to handle it well again if and when separation comes.

but you invited me to hangout to your house. and your parents weren't home. clever.

it was also then that i realized that you did not like very public display of affection.

and it was also then i found out you had other plans on valentine's day. and i went home really pissed off. but you didn't know it.

***

i saw you the night before valentine's day. i had to be a friend to you that night. you said you'd be bad company. but you weren't. were you happy to be with me that night? i hope so.

you said i was your valentine. and when i asked you about your plans for the day of hearts, your reply made me laugh deep inside! i was pretty much put to ease that night.

and when you brought me home, it was funny that we only held hands and slept for an hour in your car.

i am waiting for the time when i'll sleep beside you, with you holding me in your arms. i hope it'll be soon.

***

i love how you were so nervous if my parents caught us kissing in your car. i love the fact that you always want to leave a good impression with them.

i love how you comforted me that couple of nights ago, when i was explaining to you a few things about myself. i love how you just put your arms around me and let my head rest on your shoulders. i love how i felt when you suddenly seemed to understand that you can't just take me for granted. or at least i thought you did.

i love how you leaned on me. i love how you sniffed me again. i love how you rested your head on my lap.

i love how you suddenly asked me to get in your car when you were already about to leave and then suddenly hugged me. so tight.

i love how you looked at me and touched my face as if you were studying me, memorizing every line and curve and crease.

i love how your eyes seem to say so much whenever you look at me.
i love your eyes.

i love how you kissed me. over and over. passionately. sweetly.

i will always love how you kiss me.

***

i cleaned the ring that night, sniffer. the ring that you gave me 11 years and 1 day ago.

i really hope that i get to wear it soon again. i hope that that day comes at the right time. our time.

weary

sniffer, please take care of yourself.

your job demands so much of you that i sometimes feel guilty asking for a bit of your time. i know you need to focus on this because you like what you're doing. but the workload they give you... if only they know how much value you put in what you do so they give you what's due you.

sometimes i wonder if i get in the way of your work and your rest time. i hope, somehow, i get to be your relief at the end of your stressful day at work whenever we see each other.

***

i rushed to see you last night, sniffer. i was so worried. i didn't want you to go home alone while you weren't feeling well. that's how much i care for you.

when i got inside your car i was so worried. and then i saw the look in your eyes. it confused me. what were you thinking? were you surprised that i rushed to see you? did you think that i couldn't? or did you think that i really shouldn't have?

but when you hugged me, i knew and felt that you were grateful i was there. i knew that you needed me and that your guards were slowly ripped down. and you couldn't admit it because you were scared.

***

funny how i came from a talk about love languages that night, sniffer.

i think i wanna find out what our love language is. and if we have the same love language. i'm excited to find out. i hope you will be too.

***

when can i call you mine, sniffer? until when will i wait? when will you not be scared anymore? i hope not another 10 years. i hope not forever.

i hope we stop wasting time and be together soon.

happy heart

sniffer, you surprise me. you really do!

i'm amazed about the kind of person you have become and the kind of person you still are. and i'm excited to see more of it. more of you.

***

i knew you wanted to see me that friday night. how much, i didn't know yet. but i had to make time for my friends. i needed to let them know about you. i needed to share to them my happiness about having you back in my life.

and you insisted to see me! you insisted to go where i was even if you hated the place! and you were fine meeting my friends!

you completely surprised me and the girls that night. that's why you had a thumbs up. they love you!

how can i not love you for that? i am slowly re-learning that part of you. how giving you can be. most especially to me.

***

i'm also grateful finding out how you will be there for me if i asked you to. i'm happy how you always wanna make a good impression with my parents. i'm happy that you want to keep seeing me (we seem to be seeing each other a lot lately... i know, 10 years...) even if you said we'll take things slow. even if we both know that we don't know yet where this is going.

yet, again, i'm hopeful. everytime we meet, everytime we go out, i see a glimmer of hope, and it gets bigger everytime.

i hope i don't get myself disappointed. but don't worry, i know i still have to guard my heart. i'm aware of that.

***

i was so nervous to see you monday night. but i knew i could trust you that's why i agreed to go. and, again, you amazed me at how sweet and how much of a gentleman you still are. sort of.

it's ok. i understand. after all, you're still a guy.

still, i trusted you. and i still do. and i know i'll always be comfortable with you. i was amazed when you said it felt like the first time we kissed. it still overwhelms you. i'm still overwhelmed by it too.

but do you trust me, sniffer? do you trust me enough to realize that i won't leave anymore?

***

you told me that when you get into a relationship, you think long-term. and by long-term, you mean marriage.

you know what? you made me so happy when you said that. because i know in my heart that i do want that too.

***

you asked me very serious questions the last time we were together. you asked me things that i knew bothered you about how i felt for you. when you asked me what i wanted from you, what i want from this, i only said a few words that i so desperately wanted you to believe - i wanna be with you. as simple as that. but broad in sense.

because i don't just wanna be with you. i also want to take care of you just as i know how much you'll take care of me. i wanna be able to share a life with you and see us both grow.

i know i didn't say these things to you because i know you'll tell me the same thing - that we're not so sure of that yet.

in time. there will be a right time for these words. i just hope one day that you'll feel and know that what i'm saying is true. that i do care for you so much. that you make me so happy. that i do love you.

for now, i'm just so happy that we're seeing each other often. oh sorry, as you corrected me, dating each other.

***

i shared my dilemmas to my friend. how i'm still figuring out whether it's ok for me to be intimate with you even if we're not yet together. and what she told me struck me. she had the same situation, but in the end, she decided to stop it and let go. she told me to enjoy whatever we have right now. that i should trust you in everything. but, just as always, she also said that i have to guard my heart too.

in time, we will see if this is all worth it. in time, you will see that it will be worth it. i will be worth risking you heart for. again.

***

when we parted that night, you said i have your heart. do i really? i hope so.

'til then, sweet sniffer. 'til then.

fears and doubts

my sniffer,

thank you for respecting my thoughts last night. i was worried you would take it as a sign of rejection or a sign that things might not work out. but i was surprised you just agreed.

but i knew you had thoughts too. thoughts you have to keep to yourself for the meantime.

thank you, too, for being honest about what you feel about things between us. at least i know that, for now, i cannot expect anything yet.

of course, it's only been 2 weeks since we saw each other again.

there is no need to rush.

***

i know you are scared. it's ok. i understand that. after all that you've been through, i do understand where you're coming from. and i do understand what you asked me.

it actually made me think.

maybe you're right. maybe i'm still confused about what i feel for you. and that's what you're scared about too. that i may be in love with the idea of you in the past, that the one i have feelings for is the you in the past. and that it can't possibly be the you right now because it's only been two weeks. and you're scared if, after all this, the ending would be that i will choose not to continue this anymore. hence, you getting hurt again.

but all i know right now is that i won't leave. i know that you're scared that i might again soon. but i won't. i know it in my heart even if you say it's too early to tell.

i am excited to know you again. you have told me some things about you that happened in the 10 years we didn't see each other. there were some that shocked me. there were some that got me a bit disappointed. there were some that didn't go with the things i would want in a future partner.

but that didn't stop me from feeling this way right now, even if it's just 2 weeks. it didn't occur to me that this might not work out. i was hopeful and i still am.

and if this leads to something more than a special friendship, i am excited to see how we both grow as individual beings TOGETHER. i am excited to work out a relationship with YOU. i am even excited to know what things we'd fight about. :)

***

i have fears too. fears that after taking time to rediscover each other, you might realize in the end that you don't really love me anymore even if you tell me that you still do. that you're also just in love with the person that i was before. we have the same fears too, you know.

but i am hopeful. i see it in you. i hear it in your voice. even if you have tried to put up a wall to shield your heart from getting hurt and tried to keep it in there, you have started to bring down the wall again. i know it. i'll just have to be very patient.

***

you said that some things change and some things don't. and you feared that what if the things that changed were the ones that made us close before.

my dear sniffer, we will not be in this situation if those things have changed. please see that. please open your eyes to that. please open your heart.

***

it hurt me to know that you have nothing to offer for now. i understand. it's the journey that will make us realize the ending to this story. hopefully, to a happy ever after.

but, because of that, i also have to prepare my heart. prepare it for the worst things because we don't know yet where this will take us. you said you understand. i hope you really do.

then, you'll understand why i'll have to hold back the hugs, the kisses.

***

sniffer, i want to enjoy every moment with you. i want to enjoy what's right now. i want to take it slow, one day at a time. just like you said. then we'll see if we can nurture this even more.

but i will have to guard my heart until you're ready to take care of it again. until you're ready and not scared to catch me fall.

beautiful moon

my sweet sniffer,

tonight, it will be a week since we had that fateful kiss. as i recall what transpired that night, i melt into joyful oblivion.

how did it happen? how did it start? i was only going to bid you goodnight.

but our eyes locked.

and time seemed to slow down.

and then our lips got acquainted with each other.

even if i find the right words to describe how perfect that kiss was, i will fall short.

***

i remember looking at the moon that night. i remember asking you if you like moons. and you answered me with one of your random useless informations. i knew you just wanted to make me smile.

***

i felt things were happening too fast that night. but you were right. 10 years of waiting for that kiss to happen wasn't too fast at all. i was even surprised that after all, you still waited for it.

i want you to know that i didn't wait for it.

why? because i thought i lost that chance 10 years ago when i scarred your heart.

and finding out that you never blamed me nor harbored ill feelings for me made it all the more difficult for me to accept the fact that i was really being foolish that time you told me you loved me.

***

you said a lot of things have changed. you did and i did. but you also said that some things change and some things don't.

and i know you spoke the truth when i asked you to walk with me. because, like in the past, you were still that friend that i had. you made me smile, you made me laugh. you made me become the silly little girl that i am.

and while we were walking, while we were talking, the moon was just smiling down on us.

***

we cried, we hugged and we held hands that night. things that we have been meaning to say after all these years overflowed and overwhelmed us.

and when i looked into your eyes, all i could see was a longing so strong that even your eyes had to drink me in, in fear that i might vanish again.

and it's the same reason why i could not let go of your hand. i held on it so tight thinking that what was happening was just a dream. and that if i held on tightly, i could make that dream into a reality. and if i let go...

i hate to think about what will happen if i do.

***

you wrote before. you wrote beautifully. and you wrote because of me. have you written anything again?
because, now, i'm writing again.

now, i love again.