my sniffer,
thank you for respecting my thoughts last night. i was worried you would take it as a sign of rejection or a sign that things might not work out. but i was surprised you just agreed.
but i knew you had thoughts too. thoughts you have to keep to yourself for the meantime.
thank you, too, for being honest about what you feel about things between us. at least i know that, for now, i cannot expect anything yet.
of course, it's only been 2 weeks since we saw each other again.
there is no need to rush.
***
i know you are scared. it's ok. i understand that. after all that you've been through, i do understand where you're coming from. and i do understand what you asked me.
it actually made me think.
maybe you're right. maybe i'm still confused about what i feel for you. and that's what you're scared about too. that i may be in love with the idea of you in the past, that the one i have feelings for is the you in the past. and that it can't possibly be the you right now because it's only been two weeks. and you're scared if, after all this, the ending would be that i will choose not to continue this anymore. hence, you getting hurt again.
but all i know right now is that i won't leave. i know that you're scared that i might again soon. but i won't. i know it in my heart even if you say it's too early to tell.
i am excited to know you again. you have told me some things about you that happened in the 10 years we didn't see each other. there were some that shocked me. there were some that got me a bit disappointed. there were some that didn't go with the things i would want in a future partner.
but that didn't stop me from feeling this way right now, even if it's just 2 weeks. it didn't occur to me that this might not work out. i was hopeful and i still am.
and if this leads to something more than a special friendship, i am excited to see how we both grow as individual beings TOGETHER. i am excited to work out a relationship with YOU. i am even excited to know what things we'd fight about. :)
***
i have fears too. fears that after taking time to rediscover each other, you might realize in the end that you don't really love me anymore even if you tell me that you still do. that you're also just in love with the person that i was before. we have the same fears too, you know.
but i am hopeful. i see it in you. i hear it in your voice. even if you have tried to put up a wall to shield your heart from getting hurt and tried to keep it in there, you have started to bring down the wall again. i know it. i'll just have to be very patient.
***
you said that some things change and some things don't. and you feared that what if the things that changed were the ones that made us close before.
my dear sniffer, we will not be in this situation if those things have changed. please see that. please open your eyes to that. please open your heart.
***
it hurt me to know that you have nothing to offer for now. i understand. it's the journey that will make us realize the ending to this story. hopefully, to a happy ever after.
but, because of that, i also have to prepare my heart. prepare it for the worst things because we don't know yet where this will take us. you said you understand. i hope you really do.
then, you'll understand why i'll have to hold back the hugs, the kisses.
***
sniffer, i want to enjoy every moment with you. i want to enjoy what's right now. i want to take it slow, one day at a time. just like you said. then we'll see if we can nurture this even more.
but i will have to guard my heart until you're ready to take care of it again. until you're ready and not scared to catch me fall.
