"I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever."
tonight, it will be a month since we first saw each other again after 10 years. as I recall what has happened since then, i cannot help but imagine myself in a rollercoaster.
why? because i have experienced a lot of emotions in the past couple of weeks that we have been seeing each other.
at one point, you would be so sweet and serious, explaining to me why things are the way they are and how and why you think and feel this way right now. it made me happy at those times that i feel that we are bonding, that we - "us" - matters.
and then at another point, you will say things and do things that would make my heart drown in tears.
still, i will try to understand.
***
i was very surprised when you explained to me why you called me "dear". you said it meant that the person is very special and that it was a very rarely used term of endearment. thank you.
but you also asked me if we really needed to be a couple for us to know if this is going somewhere or not. it kinda broke my heart when you said that. that would mean i won't have anything to hold on to. at least not for now. i hope just for now.
***
i went to your house when you asked me to so we could hangout. you surprised me again. i thought you said that you wanted to start inviting me at your house so we could hangout but you were scared that your parents might be worried again because once they see you dating again and see that you're very much into me that you might not be able to handle it well again if and when separation comes.
but you invited me to hangout to your house. and your parents weren't home. clever.
it was also then that i realized that you did not like very public display of affection.
and it was also then i found out you had other plans on valentine's day. and i went home really pissed off. but you didn't know it.
***
i saw you the night before valentine's day. i had to be a friend to you that night. you said you'd be bad company. but you weren't. were you happy to be with me that night? i hope so.
you said i was your valentine. and when i asked you about your plans for the day of hearts, your reply made me laugh deep inside! i was pretty much put to ease that night.
and when you brought me home, it was funny that we only held hands and slept for an hour in your car.
i am waiting for the time when i'll sleep beside you, with you holding me in your arms. i hope it'll be soon.
***
i love how you were so nervous if my parents caught us kissing in your car. i love the fact that you always want to leave a good impression with them.
i love how you comforted me that couple of nights ago, when i was explaining to you a few things about myself. i love how you just put your arms around me and let my head rest on your shoulders. i love how i felt when you suddenly seemed to understand that you can't just take me for granted. or at least i thought you did.
i love how you leaned on me. i love how you sniffed me again. i love how you rested your head on my lap.
i love how you suddenly asked me to get in your car when you were already about to leave and then suddenly hugged me. so tight.
i love how you looked at me and touched my face as if you were studying me, memorizing every line and curve and crease.
i love how your eyes seem to say so much whenever you look at me.
i love your eyes.
i love how you kissed me. over and over. passionately. sweetly.
i will always love how you kiss me.
***
i cleaned the ring that night, sniffer. the ring that you gave me 11 years and 1 day ago.
i really hope that i get to wear it soon again. i hope that that day comes at the right time. our time.
