sniffer, you surprise me. you really do!
i'm amazed about the kind of person you have become and the kind of person you still are. and i'm excited to see more of it. more of you.
***
i knew you wanted to see me that friday night. how much, i didn't know yet. but i had to make time for my friends. i needed to let them know about you. i needed to share to them my happiness about having you back in my life.
and you insisted to see me! you insisted to go where i was even if you hated the place! and you were fine meeting my friends!
you completely surprised me and the girls that night. that's why you had a thumbs up. they love you!
how can i not love you for that? i am slowly re-learning that part of you. how giving you can be. most especially to me.
***
i'm also grateful finding out how you will be there for me if i asked you to. i'm happy how you always wanna make a good impression with my parents. i'm happy that you want to keep seeing me (we seem to be seeing each other a lot lately... i know, 10 years...) even if you said we'll take things slow. even if we both know that we don't know yet where this is going.
yet, again, i'm hopeful. everytime we meet, everytime we go out, i see a glimmer of hope, and it gets bigger everytime.
i hope i don't get myself disappointed. but don't worry, i know i still have to guard my heart. i'm aware of that.
***
i was so nervous to see you monday night. but i knew i could trust you that's why i agreed to go. and, again, you amazed me at how sweet and how much of a gentleman you still are. sort of.
it's ok. i understand. after all, you're still a guy.
still, i trusted you. and i still do. and i know i'll always be comfortable with you. i was amazed when you said it felt like the first time we kissed. it still overwhelms you. i'm still overwhelmed by it too.
but do you trust me, sniffer? do you trust me enough to realize that i won't leave anymore?
***
you told me that when you get into a relationship, you think long-term. and by long-term, you mean marriage.
you know what? you made me so happy when you said that. because i know in my heart that i do want that too.
***
you asked me very serious questions the last time we were together. you asked me things that i knew bothered you about how i felt for you. when you asked me what i wanted from you, what i want from this, i only said a few words that i so desperately wanted you to believe - i wanna be with you. as simple as that. but broad in sense.
because i don't just wanna be with you. i also want to take care of you just as i know how much you'll take care of me. i wanna be able to share a life with you and see us both grow.
i know i didn't say these things to you because i know you'll tell me the same thing - that we're not so sure of that yet.
in time. there will be a right time for these words. i just hope one day that you'll feel and know that what i'm saying is true. that i do care for you so much. that you make me so happy. that i do love you.
for now, i'm just so happy that we're seeing each other often. oh sorry, as you corrected me, dating each other.
***
i shared my dilemmas to my friend. how i'm still figuring out whether it's ok for me to be intimate with you even if we're not yet together. and what she told me struck me. she had the same situation, but in the end, she decided to stop it and let go. she told me to enjoy whatever we have right now. that i should trust you in everything. but, just as always, she also said that i have to guard my heart too.
in time, we will see if this is all worth it. in time, you will see that it will be worth it. i will be worth risking you heart for. again.
***
when we parted that night, you said i have your heart. do i really? i hope so.
'til then, sweet sniffer. 'til then.
