crazy. beautiful.

finally.

i've never done something so crazy and beautiful with anyone so special, sniffer.

it happened so naturally. i didn't feel awkward at all. not for a first time.

i was ready. i didn't think twice. it just felt right.

and then you said you wanted me. even the look in your eyes said it.

so, i said yes.

***

there was a risk though.

but, still, i didn't feel worried about it. i'm still not worried about it now.

i honestly cannot imagine how strong and calm i am about it.

maybe because i know, if it happens, it will be ours.

***

i loved looking at you sleep. i loved how you embraced me to keep me warm. i loved feeling your breath on my neck.

i love your warmth, sniffer.

i hope you know that i love you too.

a bit stronger

i resolved to let you be. i was even resolved to ready myself with the idea of letting go. and move on.

i prayed so hard for those times that i cried, those times that i had sleepless nights and loss of appetite for everything.

i prayed so hard for God to take away the pain i was feeling that time. but i also asked Him for you. i asked Him to keep you safe no matter what. i asked Him to keep your family safe always.

and i asked God to let my love for you reach you. in whatever way, i don't know. and i resolved to be stronger.

and, just as always, you surprised me again.

thank you, sniffer.

***

last week, when you started communicating to me again, i was starting to guard my heart.

i didn't know how and what to think about your sudden absence and your sudden resurfacing in my life.

and when i saw you again, my hurts and doubts slowly started to be erased.

how do you do that to me, sniffer? how and why do you have that effect on me?

***

i didn't want to spoil our night by bringing up the issues i waited so long to talk about. i knew for a fact that we missed each other so much, i didn't want to dampen our moods.

funny how you brought them up, sniffer. again, you surprised me.

***

you asked me why i got mad at you. i didn't. i told you that. i'm glad i was able to apologize to you that night. i'm glad i was able to explain to you why i reacted that way the last time i asked to see you. and when you said sorry for not being able to be there for me... it meant a whole lot.

when i told you that i thought you got mad at me for reacting that way because you seemed to avoid me for weeks, i was surprised again to find out that you actually thought that i didn't want to see you. i don't think i can ever bear that - not seeing you. it broke me in those weeks that i didn't. it'll break me if i know that i won't ever again.

***

i know you're so caught up with your job. and i know that you're just establishing yourself. and i'm so proud of you for accomplishing so much in your work.

but, at least, i know you missed me, sniffer. i'm glad you did.

coz i did too.

***

and , now, i resolve to let you be all the more. i won't pressure you. and i will just be here for you.

i guess that's how much i love you.

resolutions

my heart and my mind are both overwhelmed right now. the former with emotions, the latter with thoughts.

it's been the heaviest week for me, sniffer. and i have finally come up with a resolution.

i will let you be. not let you go, but let you be.

any logical person would tell me to stop this madness and move on. but i know i can't yet. and i know that the right time will come when i'll finally decide to move on, if i need to.

but for now, i will let you be. you will have so many excuses right now as to why you can't see me. i will accept that.

but i know this for a fact-you know my worth. i know you do. it's what you're gonna do about it that's scaring you because you're really not ready for anything. in plain truth-you're not that into me. or maybe not just yet. that's why i'll let you be. until you finally have the courage to see me or talk to me again.

because i know one day you will.

until then, i will just be around. i will try to make my life normal again. i will try to be ready to be extraordinary again. because that's what i am-extraordinary. and you know that.

i know i will always have a special place in your heart. you will always have a space in mine too.

but until you finally appreciate my worth, i will let you be.

i won't leave you. i will just be here, most especially if you need me. because we were, first and foremost, friends. and i'd like to think we still are.

and if you're ready to see me or talk to me, i will be here. i won't drive you away.

***

in the movie "dan in real life", it was said that love is not a feeling, but an ability.

i love you, sniffer. i chose to love you. and i know i haven't exhausted all my efforts yet to show you and prove you that.

that's why i'm letting you be.

i miss you.

so much that it's breaking my heart.

please let me know if you still think of me. please still be there.

reminiscing

i remember the last time we were together, sniffer.

you cannot imagine how happy i was that night. I was nervous. I shocked myself. But I said those things and did those things because I wanted to let you know and feel that I'm here, i'm present and that i want you. and that there's a chance for both of us. and that it's you i would want to do it with in the future.

it was so... intimate and so crazy! but i didn't regret it. and i enjoyed it because it was with you.

i can't stop myself from wanting to go back to the moment when you hugged me, when you kissed my head, when you smelled my hair, when you looked at me that way. desired me that way. kissed me that way.

i want it back, sniffer. i need it back. i need YOU back.

please don't leave.

confused. and hurt.

sniffer, what did i do?

i haven't seen you for 2 weeks now. I haven't talked to you for almost 2 weeks now.

did i say something wrong? did i do something wrong? what? why?!

my heart is breaking and i don't understand why you suddenly shifted moods. was it something i said the last time we talked? i was just feeling so lonely and so sad that time. please understand.

i'm sorry. if it pissed you off, how i reacted to why you couldn't see me, i'm sorry. i didn't get mad, i promise.

did i turn you off? what made you become this way? why did you suddenly shut yourself off?

sniffer, i miss you so much. i wanna see you so badly but i can't ask you nor contact for fear that i might irritate you. again.

sniffer, what did i do? please call me, message me, keep in touch with me.

i had this fear last week when we had that little 'fight'. i thought you wouldn't want to hear from me again.

But you sent me a message last monday. and i honestly got surprised. why did you ask how i was? and why after a few exchange of messages and after you found out i was out of town you did not keep in touch anymore?

sniffer, please don't break my heart. please.

i love you and i miss you.

...

Paano Kita Iibigin
by Regine Velasquez


Paano ang buhay kong ito
Ngayon tayo ay magkalayo
Hindi pa ba sapat ang aking pag-ibig
Di ba’t nag-sumpaan tayo

Sino, ano ang hinahanap mo
Bakit nagkukubli’t nagtatago
Ang tunay mong hangarin
Ba’t di sabihin sa ‘kin
Mahirap ba akong mahalin

Paano kita iibigin
Kung di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
Maghihintay ako sabihin mong mahal mo na ako

Paano kita iibigin
(Paano ang buhay kong ito)
Kung ‘di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
(Ngayon tayo ay magkalayo)
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
(Hindi pa ba sapat ang aking pag-ibig)
Maghihintay ako na sabihin mong mahal mo na ako
(Di ba’t nag-sumpaan tayo)

Di ko matitiis ang malayo ka
Kung kailan ako nagmahal mawawala pa
Mawawala ka

Paano kita iibigin
(Paano ang buhay kong ito)
Kung ‘di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
(Ngayon tayo ay magkalayo)
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
(Hindi pa ba sapat ang aking pag-ibig)
Maghihintay ako na sabihin mong mahal mo na ako
(Di ba’t nag-sumpaan tayo)

Paano kita iibigin
Kung di mo ibibigay ang puso mo sa akin
Ano ang pumipigil sa damdamin at sa puso mo
Maghihintay ako sabihin mong mahal mo na ako

Maghihintay ako (maghihintay ako)
Na sabihin mong (na sabihin mong)

Mahal mo rin ako

***

Manhid
by Regine Velasquez


Mahal, kailan mo ba ako tunay na makikita?
Mahal, yayakapin kita nang walang hanggan
Ngunit hindi ako ang iyong nakikita
Hindi ang yakap ko ang iyong nadarama

At sa tuwing ako'y hinahagkan
Ng mga labing katabi ng walang hanggan
Sa hangin ang puso'y dumadaan

Mainit mo ako ngayong hinahawakan
Mga kamay mo'y naglalakbay kung saan-saan
Mainit mo akong binabalot ng iyong kalungkutan
Natutunaw ako sa init ng iyong katawan

Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Kailan mo ba ako mararamdaman?

O kay tagal maghilom ng mga sugat mo
Abutin ko man malalim ito
Malulunod ako...

Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Ako ba'y tunay mong nararamdaman?
Kailan mo ba ako mararamdaman?

rollercoaster 'til valentine's day

"I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever."

tonight, it will be a month since we first saw each other again after 10 years. as I recall what has happened since then, i cannot help but imagine myself in a rollercoaster.

why? because i have experienced a lot of emotions in the past couple of weeks that we have been seeing each other.

at one point, you would be so sweet and serious, explaining to me why things are the way they are and how and why you think and feel this way right now. it made me happy at those times that i feel that we are bonding, that we - "us" - matters.

and then at another point, you will say things and do things that would make my heart drown in tears.

still, i will try to understand.

***

i was very surprised when you explained to me why you called me "dear". you said it meant that the person is very special and that it was a very rarely used term of endearment. thank you.

but you also asked me if we really needed to be a couple for us to know if this is going somewhere or not. it kinda broke my heart when you said that. that would mean i won't have anything to hold on to. at least not for now. i hope just for now.

***

i went to your house when you asked me to so we could hangout. you surprised me again. i thought you said that you wanted to start inviting me at your house so we could hangout but you were scared that your parents might be worried again because once they see you dating again and see that you're very much into me that you might not be able to handle it well again if and when separation comes.

but you invited me to hangout to your house. and your parents weren't home. clever.

it was also then that i realized that you did not like very public display of affection.

and it was also then i found out you had other plans on valentine's day. and i went home really pissed off. but you didn't know it.

***

i saw you the night before valentine's day. i had to be a friend to you that night. you said you'd be bad company. but you weren't. were you happy to be with me that night? i hope so.

you said i was your valentine. and when i asked you about your plans for the day of hearts, your reply made me laugh deep inside! i was pretty much put to ease that night.

and when you brought me home, it was funny that we only held hands and slept for an hour in your car.

i am waiting for the time when i'll sleep beside you, with you holding me in your arms. i hope it'll be soon.

***

i love how you were so nervous if my parents caught us kissing in your car. i love the fact that you always want to leave a good impression with them.

i love how you comforted me that couple of nights ago, when i was explaining to you a few things about myself. i love how you just put your arms around me and let my head rest on your shoulders. i love how i felt when you suddenly seemed to understand that you can't just take me for granted. or at least i thought you did.

i love how you leaned on me. i love how you sniffed me again. i love how you rested your head on my lap.

i love how you suddenly asked me to get in your car when you were already about to leave and then suddenly hugged me. so tight.

i love how you looked at me and touched my face as if you were studying me, memorizing every line and curve and crease.

i love how your eyes seem to say so much whenever you look at me.
i love your eyes.

i love how you kissed me. over and over. passionately. sweetly.

i will always love how you kiss me.

***

i cleaned the ring that night, sniffer. the ring that you gave me 11 years and 1 day ago.

i really hope that i get to wear it soon again. i hope that that day comes at the right time. our time.