the weekend of the new moon.

i wonder if last night was the first time you saw me after we last saw each other.
i wonder if you've been seeing me around but i just didn't see you and last night was the first time i did.
i wonder if we happened to literally bump into each other would you say hi or avoid me the way you did last night.

just so you know, i saw you last night. even if you tried to hide. even if you tried to avoid me.

i just pretended not to see you coz i knew you'd be uncomfortable.

i'm not mad at you. but i hope you had the courage to face me.

dream thought

i didn't want to write anymore but i dreamt of you again last night.

we were going somewhere, a trip to the beach.

but you felt distant. it felt like you just went with me because i wanted you to come with me, not because you really wanted to go with me.

again, the feeling of uncertainty that i felt when i was seeing you before was evident in my dream. that uncertainty, that sadness.

and now i realize, was that how you felt that time, when we started seeing each other?

did you just go on seeing me because you saw that i wanted to be with you? to see you more? that i wanted you now?

did you just force yourself to go out with me because you didn't have the guts to say no to me that time?

was that it?



were there any feelings for me at all?

anniversary of the beautiful moon

Sniffer,

Tonight, at 8, it'll be a year since we first saw each other again. As I recall what transpired that night, I melt into sad epiphanies.

How did it happen? How did it start? There wasn't even a goodbye.

But you were suddenly gone. Too soon gone.

***

As I anxiously waited for you to arrive that time, tonight, I will start purging myself of you and all the memories that went with the year that I thought was for us.

***

I cried for you for one whole year. I have never done that for a person in my whole lifetime.

But I allowed it. Because my heart felt much too deep of a pain from a love that was never given a chance.

Because I loved someone so deeply and was hurt.

Because I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH.

***

I hope that this will be the last time I write for you here. My heart has been so weary for too long. I need to sleep away this pain again and dream of a beautiful morning when I awake.

And when I open my eyes after that long slumber, I hope to wake up and smile at the face that will make me say "now, i love again."

***

People I know, places I go, make me feel tongue-tied
I can see how people look down, they're on the inside.
Here's where the story ends.
People I see, weary of me showing my good side.
I can see how people look down.
I'm on the outside.
Here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story end.

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.
Oh, I never should have said, the books that you read
Were all I loved you for.
It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes me wonder why.
And it's the memories of your shed that make me turn red.
Surprise, surprise, surprise...

Crazy I know, places I go
make me feel so tired.
I can see how people look down.
I'm on the outside.
Oh, here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story ends.

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.
And who ever would've thought the books that you brought
Were all I loved you for.
Oh. the devil in me said, go down to the shed.
I know where I belong.
But the only thing I ever really wanted to say
was wrong, was wrong, was wrong...

It's that little souvenir of a colourful year
which makes me smile inside.
So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way
Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise...

Here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story ends...

a hello. a goodbye. a hello.

something was born on your day.

i did it because i needed another reason for me to cry.

but i ended up realizing that what you did to me was really more painful because i didn't shed a single tear while it was being born.

i sent you messages greeting you on your birthday. twice. in two different ways.

but i never got a reply. as i expected, but not as i hoped.

and that's when i shed not just one tear.

i flooded my heart.

***

there's something about cleaning bedrooms that painfully soothes me.

it must be all the rearranging, de-cluttering and dumping of things that mean a lot despite it's triviality that gets to me.

i was sorting through all my stuff in my bedroom on the last day of that terrible year - which ones to keep, which ones to recycle and which ones to throw out.

all this while the songbird hummed in my ears.

then THE song was played.

again, whatever was in my heart - the happiness of finding you again, the joy of the thought that there was hope for us, the heartaches these brought (yes, even the happy moments we had has brought me pain lately), the confusion, the uncertainty, the pain of rejection - all came flowing out through my eyes.

and, finally, a truly painful thought stirred me. I needed to say goodbye. I had to say goodbye to you. along with all the souvenirs of the past year.

and i resolved to let it all out one last time just as i was about to say goodbye to the year that crushed and crippled me.

***
i awaited a new year knowing there will be new futures, new hopes and a chance to be reborn and be able to run wild and free again. be the glorious horse.

and i had to accept that there might be no more you in that new future... because God knows when our paths will cross again. and if there's a continuation to our story.

but you tried to find out about me and you probably didn't want me to know.

but i found out.

now i know i really mattered.

thank you.

anxious holidays

a couple of days down and we'll be the same age.

though i'm excited, i also dread that day.

because i know i will call you.

and i'm scared of what the answer might be.



i hope i hear your voice.

and not some reject or unanswered call tone.

...

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako, nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Nasusuka ako, kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod, kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo
Yung tipong ang sagot, ay di rin isang tanong

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Dahil, di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil, di na

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo... Nahihilo...
Nalilito...

- migraine
by moonstar88

***

i used to sing this to you.

you just didn't hear it.

still no escape

i was on vacation.

i wasn't thinking about you.

not at all.

but your name just had to follow me there.

on a boat.

and then i had a dream about you again.

just before i woke up for that island trip i was so looking forward to.

the feeling of uncertainty about you was evident in my dream.

the same feeling i had when i was seeing you.

***

on my way to the island

the waves were so strong

they splashed sea water on my face.


they tried to wash off my tears.


it didn't deserve to reach and land on

my beautiful island.

the culprit

i saw your car again a couple of weeks ago.

and i was able to somehow fight the sadness that slowly tried to creep in.

i've been trying to move you at the back of my mind now.

i've been trying to take little steps.

i've been trying to move on.

***

something made me sad today.

and after all the times that i tell myself and other people that i'm not mad at you for what happened, today was the first time that i put the blame on you.

***

you weren't the reason why i got sad today.

but you had a big chunk of a part why that sad thing happened.

yes, you.

this time, i resent you for what you did to me.

it wasn't good.

for me and for a lot of people.

fantasy

i saw your car again last night.

there's still a tug in my heart.

it made me feel sad.

i'm living on fantasies of you.

you back

holding me tight in your arms.

no good.

i'm pathetic.

i'm still stuck.

i still think about you.

i still cry about you.

i still long for you.

i'm still hoping.

and i'm still waiting for you
to come back.

instincts and melancholic realizations

i should've listened to my instinct last night.

i already felt that something was gonna happen that night that would make me uneasy. the feeling was just there.

a few minutes after, i saw your car pass by.

i didn't see you. but i saw your car. and it was enough.

i felt like my mind was erased blank all of a sudden. i was trying to listen to my bestfriend talk about his recent discoveries but his words fell on deaf ears. i was not there. i was not ready for any sign of your presence even if i hoped for it.

and i felt really sad all over again.

when i got home, tears started to flow again. and i didn't know what i was crying about exactly.

as i think about it now, i should've listened to my instincts a long time ago.

but i just had to give my poor little heart a chance to feel again. it doesn't happen often anyway.

i guess i gave it too much of a chance.

too much, i allowed it to be stomped on.

very apt

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

Insensitive

Insensitive

- by Jann Arden

***

i didn't realize how appropriate this song was for me when i sang this at a party i went to a few nights ago.

and, as i hoped i wouldn't, i cried a river of tears again that night as i was about to go home.

i wanna bury this pain.

i'm slowly digging the grave.

again.

i dreamt of you again last night.

i don't think about you anymore. i try not to.

but you're just there.

and i still cry over you.

and despite the foolishness that i feel for still hanging on, i still hope.

and i still believe.

are you supposed to be here forever?

because it's been painful.

because of last night

Out of reach
by Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be ok

But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

And now I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach I can see
There’s a life out there for me

***

i allowed myself to be stupid last night.
i pleaded to you.
i swallowed my pride.
i allowed myself to look and seem desperate.
i was.... desperate for a friend, for someone to talk to, for you.

and i had my ego crushed.


i don't matter to you. and i don't deserve this.

but as long as you're still occupying even the farthest crevices of my brain and the deepest recesses of my heart, i will write here.

until you're gone. really gone.

grey and blue

i've been crying again lately...

not just because of you, but of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.

but mostly because of you.

i've been meeting people. new friends and old.

some have expressed interest.

and whenever i think about giving it a try, i cry.

i'm not ready to let go of you. not just yet.

i know.

because i dreamt of you last night.

we were about to make love in my dream.

now everything's a blur.

...

Latest Mistake
by Mandy Moore

There is part of me that wants an answer
And part of me that doesn't want to know
Part of you that I am in love with
And the part that I am willing to let go

This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Maybe I shouldn't do this
Or love you anymore

Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you'll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don't understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone's gonna have to step up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

unwell.

people have been telling me to move on, to open myself to possibilities - other possibilities of love.

i've been trying to entertain the idea.

i don't know. i don't feel ready for it. but i'm thinking about it.

and this morning, just when i started thinking about the possibility of seeing other people again, i cried again.

and it hurt so much.

and i realized that i'm really not yet ready.

you see, sniffer, i still can't let go.

i'm still hoping.

i still believe.

i still love you.

surprise. surprise.

i thought that the first half of this year would end with you gone.

and then you suddenly wanted to see me.

i fell in shock when i saw your message asking me out for coffee.

and then i knew this was the chance i was waiting for to talk to you, to tell you what i feel and what i think about things.

but i was so nervous to see you again.

i tried to be cold when i saw you. but i couldn't help it. i couldn't help but warm up a bit to you.

i was so bothered thinking of how to broach the topic so i just kept quiet most of the time.

and the place where you took me. it was something. it was so nice i couldn't help but loosen up, cozy up to the place, to you.

i had a nice time. but i began to feel that my purpose won't be fulfilled before the night ends.

i knew i had to do something since you seemed oblivious to the fact that you have been gone.

and just as i was about to get out of your car, i stopped myself and opened up.

i'm glad i talked to you about it, about how i felt. i'm glad i was able to be honest to you. because i wanted to lay the foundation of honesty again in our relationship, whatever relationship this is called.

i felt a bit of relief after that. hearing your answers reassured me that, yes, i really know how you think somehow.
and, yes, i still mattered to you.

but i also got worried about you, hearing your reason for not keeping in touch that long.

i was proud of you, trying to learn, trying to grow. but i got worried for you. you deserve so much better, sniffer. but, i guess, this is part of your growing pains. and if you have to go through this to come out a better person, then i'll just be here for you, whatever happens.

i am your friend too.

i will always be here for you.

and i still love you.

dreams

1
i invited you to give a talk to a group of people at an event. you said yes. but i found it weird that you looked like how you were back in college when you transferred already at the other university. your hair was how i saw it in one of your pictures in your bedroom.

you were wearing an orange shirt, which was strange because you don't wear that color.

you delivered your talk in tagalog, which was another strange thing, because you taught english grammar.

while delivering your talk, you addressed one girl in the audience (who was also in orange) as "babe", and asked her a question in english. i remember feeling so furious when you did that. but i also remembered that talk about calling me 'dear' not 'babe'. i couldn't see her face. she was petite though. and i only remember her hair.

at the end of your talk, the same girl approached you and talked to you. i was already feeling jealous. and my jealousy heightened when you left the venue with her. i was so furious and so hurt that my friend had to comfort me. it also felt weird that i didn't know her but i knew her name.

i was surprised when you came back. but i only saw you from afar. you were looking for someone. i knew you were looking for me because i was the only one who knew in that event.

i was relieved for a moment. but when you saw me looking at you, you suddenly avoided my look and left as if you got scared.

i was so hurt in that dream. it felt real. so real that i woke up crying.


2
i was inside a bedroom that looked like mine. my mom was knocking at the door so i opened it and she told me that something was already taken care of, that your parents already bought it for my parents and that i need not worry about it. in my dream i felt weird about that. i was thinking why would your parents do that for my parents. and i realized in my dream that we were already married, probably civilly, and that your parents wanted us to get married because of my situation. i was pregnant in my dream.

i was in a big bedroom, a bedroom which seemed like it was situated in a condominium. i was lying down on the bed, taking my rest, talking to a fat, asian-looking woman who seemed like she was a stand-up comedienne. she was trying to make me laugh. she was asking me how i could have ridiculously forgotten to inform my friends that i already got married to you.

in my dream, i was only 2 months pregnant but i already felt the belly bump. i was telling this woman how i excited i was for the baby.

at one end of the room near the big bedroom windows, you were seated in front of the computer busy doing work. i was rubbing my belly when i felt 2 heartbeats. i was so excited i called you to come over so you could also feel the heartbeat. you wouldn't leave what you were doing. i called over and over again but you wouldn't come. until you finally stood up and walked a few steps, but your eyes and your attention was still on the computer. i felt so disappointed because of your reaction that i said 'nevermind'. and the moment i said that, you immediately went back to your work.

i went to sit on the floor by the bedroom window just behind you and just stared at the view outside. i looked at you and i felt sad. the fat lady saw everything that happened. she went to me and asked me what's the problem with you. i just said you're too busy. she asked me if i was ok with that, if i was ok about everything. and i replied to her saying 'this is how it is'.

again, i woke up with tears in my eyes.


3
we were lying on my bed.
you were looking straight in my eyes, touching my face.
your eyes were sad.
and you hugged me and kissed me.
and then you said you missed me.

i wished it to be true. i yearned for it to be so true.


4
a short one. you said you missed me. you hugged me and kissed me.


5
i was with a friend at a beach resort that looked like the one i went to recently. i was surprised to see you there. and then you kept me company. but i was feeling a bit of distance. the distance i felt the last time i saw you. in my dream, i was denying that feeling. you were there but i didn't feel you "there".

we crossed the beach walking, you were walking ahead of me, eager to reach the shore. when my friend had the chance to talk to me alone, she asked me i was with you. i told her you wanted to go with me. and she said i should be cautious now, that i should guard myself this time and guard my heart coz you might disappear again anytime just like you did.

you were walking ahead of us. i was still having a talk with my friend so we continued walking but you stayed at the deck near the shore. i left my bag and my phones with you before proceeding to that walk and you said you might go ahead later on back to our room.

when my friend and i got back to the deck, you were gone with the things i left with you except for my phone. i figured you went ahead back to our room already and you had my bag with you.

it was a long walk going back to the rooms. when we reached the floor of our rooms, i was shocked to hear two voices coming from our bedroom. one was yours. the other one was a female person's. the bedroom had two doors beside each other. both doors were open. the entrance to the bedroom looked like my own bedroom.

since both doors were already open, i partly saw the view of the room, but i already saw the edge of the bed. and i could see that you were lying on the bed because i saw your legs near the edge. but i also saw the view of the back of the girl who was on top of you. both of you weren't naked but it seemed like you were having sex while talking. i could hear you both talking.

my friend was walking ahead of me. she was already able to enter the room and i was just behind her. i almost entered the room. and as if sensing the tension and the panic that i was feeling, she slammed the other door shut so i wouldn't have to see the whole thing that was happening inside our room.

i couldn't find myself entering the room anymore. i was in shock, in pain. i couldn't breathe and tears were just flowing from my eyes. i was in a daze. i didn't know if i was going to run away from that place or if i was going to show up inside the room. i felt so confused.

i think i tried to run away silently. but my tears overflowed and i was having trouble breathing i wanted to scream. just like how i wanted to scream when i learned about the post you made at this site that our friend saw.

surprisingly, i woke up not crying. i was just relieved to know that it was just a dream. but it made me think.


6
we were at a store that looked like saks on fifth avenue in new york. we started running after each other, sometimes holding hands sometimes just running like kids playing tag. we were happy like kids. i felt happy.

sometimes, while running, you would be so near me, you'd grab me and hug me from behind and smell my hair. and we'd just continue running and gliding like the floors were so smooth to glide on. i felt so good at those times.

later on, it seemed like we were both running to catch up on something, like having to meet a deadline. at the end of that store, there was an elevator. we went inside it. and when it opened to a different floor, we got off to an office that looked like a psychiatrist's office.

you sat on one chair and there was another man in the room, a foreigner. he was surprised to see me there. he was a bit alarmed actually. i think he was still the one in session and that we came too early. he wasn't finished yet so he told me i wasn't supposed to be there in the room. i looked at you and had a questioning look on my face. and, as if, reading my mind, you said it was ok, that i can wait outside until it was your turn, that you were going to wait inside because it was ok and that you were next. and i figured that this was a visit to your psychiatrist. i was about to go out of the room when the man asked me a favor that if a man named howard was looking for him, have howard go inside the room.

i went outside. and then i woke up.

***

i wish i knew what my dreams about you meant. i wish they could give me answers to my questions. i wish it held the key to unlocking the mystery that is you.

blind. dense.

why are you hurting me? why are you hurting me this way? don't i matter to you anymore? do i still matter to you? do you still think about me? why don't you try to see me? why won't you see me and talk to me? do you still wanna see me? do you still think i'm special? what's wrong? why are you pulling the plug? or have you already pulled the plug a long time ago? why are you breaking my heart? why? why can't you just let me know what's on your mind even if it might hurt me? are we friends? are we still friends? do you still see me as more than a friend? can you still see me as more than a friend? do you still like me? do you still love me? did you ever love me? do you feel that i love you? do you KNOW that i love you? do you know that you're hurting me right now? do you know that i cry because of you nowadays? are you deliberately doing this to really hurt me? why? what for? don't you want me anymore? don't you love me anymore? don't you miss me anymore? are you really breaking my heart on purpose? why? why didn't you give us a chance? why didn't you let our love grow? why?