a hello. a goodbye. a hello.

something was born on your day.

i did it because i needed another reason for me to cry.

but i ended up realizing that what you did to me was really more painful because i didn't shed a single tear while it was being born.

i sent you messages greeting you on your birthday. twice. in two different ways.

but i never got a reply. as i expected, but not as i hoped.

and that's when i shed not just one tear.

i flooded my heart.

***

there's something about cleaning bedrooms that painfully soothes me.

it must be all the rearranging, de-cluttering and dumping of things that mean a lot despite it's triviality that gets to me.

i was sorting through all my stuff in my bedroom on the last day of that terrible year - which ones to keep, which ones to recycle and which ones to throw out.

all this while the songbird hummed in my ears.

then THE song was played.

again, whatever was in my heart - the happiness of finding you again, the joy of the thought that there was hope for us, the heartaches these brought (yes, even the happy moments we had has brought me pain lately), the confusion, the uncertainty, the pain of rejection - all came flowing out through my eyes.

and, finally, a truly painful thought stirred me. I needed to say goodbye. I had to say goodbye to you. along with all the souvenirs of the past year.

and i resolved to let it all out one last time just as i was about to say goodbye to the year that crushed and crippled me.

***
i awaited a new year knowing there will be new futures, new hopes and a chance to be reborn and be able to run wild and free again. be the glorious horse.

and i had to accept that there might be no more you in that new future... because God knows when our paths will cross again. and if there's a continuation to our story.

but you tried to find out about me and you probably didn't want me to know.

but i found out.

now i know i really mattered.

thank you.

anxious holidays

a couple of days down and we'll be the same age.

though i'm excited, i also dread that day.

because i know i will call you.

and i'm scared of what the answer might be.



i hope i hear your voice.

and not some reject or unanswered call tone.

...

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako, nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Nasusuka ako, kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod, kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo
Yung tipong ang sagot, ay di rin isang tanong

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Dahil, di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil, di na

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo... Nahihilo...
Nalilito...

- migraine
by moonstar88

***

i used to sing this to you.

you just didn't hear it.

still no escape

i was on vacation.

i wasn't thinking about you.

not at all.

but your name just had to follow me there.

on a boat.

and then i had a dream about you again.

just before i woke up for that island trip i was so looking forward to.

the feeling of uncertainty about you was evident in my dream.

the same feeling i had when i was seeing you.

***

on my way to the island

the waves were so strong

they splashed sea water on my face.


they tried to wash off my tears.


it didn't deserve to reach and land on

my beautiful island.

the culprit

i saw your car again a couple of weeks ago.

and i was able to somehow fight the sadness that slowly tried to creep in.

i've been trying to move you at the back of my mind now.

i've been trying to take little steps.

i've been trying to move on.

***

something made me sad today.

and after all the times that i tell myself and other people that i'm not mad at you for what happened, today was the first time that i put the blame on you.

***

you weren't the reason why i got sad today.

but you had a big chunk of a part why that sad thing happened.

yes, you.

this time, i resent you for what you did to me.

it wasn't good.

for me and for a lot of people.

fantasy

i saw your car again last night.

there's still a tug in my heart.

it made me feel sad.

i'm living on fantasies of you.

you back

holding me tight in your arms.

no good.

i'm pathetic.

i'm still stuck.

i still think about you.

i still cry about you.

i still long for you.

i'm still hoping.

and i'm still waiting for you
to come back.

instincts and melancholic realizations

i should've listened to my instinct last night.

i already felt that something was gonna happen that night that would make me uneasy. the feeling was just there.

a few minutes after, i saw your car pass by.

i didn't see you. but i saw your car. and it was enough.

i felt like my mind was erased blank all of a sudden. i was trying to listen to my bestfriend talk about his recent discoveries but his words fell on deaf ears. i was not there. i was not ready for any sign of your presence even if i hoped for it.

and i felt really sad all over again.

when i got home, tears started to flow again. and i didn't know what i was crying about exactly.

as i think about it now, i should've listened to my instincts a long time ago.

but i just had to give my poor little heart a chance to feel again. it doesn't happen often anyway.

i guess i gave it too much of a chance.

too much, i allowed it to be stomped on.