finally.
i've never done something so crazy and beautiful with anyone so special, sniffer.
it happened so naturally. i didn't feel awkward at all. not for a first time.
i was ready. i didn't think twice. it just felt right.
and then you said you wanted me. even the look in your eyes said it.
so, i said yes.
***
there was a risk though.
but, still, i didn't feel worried about it. i'm still not worried about it now.
i honestly cannot imagine how strong and calm i am about it.
maybe because i know, if it happens, it will be ours.
***
i loved looking at you sleep. i loved how you embraced me to keep me warm. i loved feeling your breath on my neck.
i love your warmth, sniffer.
i hope you know that i love you too.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
a bit stronger
i resolved to let you be. i was even resolved to ready myself with the idea of letting go. and move on.
i prayed so hard for those times that i cried, those times that i had sleepless nights and loss of appetite for everything.
i prayed so hard for God to take away the pain i was feeling that time. but i also asked Him for you. i asked Him to keep you safe no matter what. i asked Him to keep your family safe always.
and i asked God to let my love for you reach you. in whatever way, i don't know. and i resolved to be stronger.
and, just as always, you surprised me again.
thank you, sniffer.
***
last week, when you started communicating to me again, i was starting to guard my heart.
i didn't know how and what to think about your sudden absence and your sudden resurfacing in my life.
and when i saw you again, my hurts and doubts slowly started to be erased.
how do you do that to me, sniffer? how and why do you have that effect on me?
***
i didn't want to spoil our night by bringing up the issues i waited so long to talk about. i knew for a fact that we missed each other so much, i didn't want to dampen our moods.
funny how you brought them up, sniffer. again, you surprised me.
***
you asked me why i got mad at you. i didn't. i told you that. i'm glad i was able to apologize to you that night. i'm glad i was able to explain to you why i reacted that way the last time i asked to see you. and when you said sorry for not being able to be there for me... it meant a whole lot.
when i told you that i thought you got mad at me for reacting that way because you seemed to avoid me for weeks, i was surprised again to find out that you actually thought that i didn't want to see you. i don't think i can ever bear that - not seeing you. it broke me in those weeks that i didn't. it'll break me if i know that i won't ever again.
***
i know you're so caught up with your job. and i know that you're just establishing yourself. and i'm so proud of you for accomplishing so much in your work.
but, at least, i know you missed me, sniffer. i'm glad you did.
coz i did too.
***
and , now, i resolve to let you be all the more. i won't pressure you. and i will just be here for you.
i guess that's how much i love you.
i prayed so hard for those times that i cried, those times that i had sleepless nights and loss of appetite for everything.
i prayed so hard for God to take away the pain i was feeling that time. but i also asked Him for you. i asked Him to keep you safe no matter what. i asked Him to keep your family safe always.
and i asked God to let my love for you reach you. in whatever way, i don't know. and i resolved to be stronger.
and, just as always, you surprised me again.
thank you, sniffer.
***
last week, when you started communicating to me again, i was starting to guard my heart.
i didn't know how and what to think about your sudden absence and your sudden resurfacing in my life.
and when i saw you again, my hurts and doubts slowly started to be erased.
how do you do that to me, sniffer? how and why do you have that effect on me?
***
i didn't want to spoil our night by bringing up the issues i waited so long to talk about. i knew for a fact that we missed each other so much, i didn't want to dampen our moods.
funny how you brought them up, sniffer. again, you surprised me.
***
you asked me why i got mad at you. i didn't. i told you that. i'm glad i was able to apologize to you that night. i'm glad i was able to explain to you why i reacted that way the last time i asked to see you. and when you said sorry for not being able to be there for me... it meant a whole lot.
when i told you that i thought you got mad at me for reacting that way because you seemed to avoid me for weeks, i was surprised again to find out that you actually thought that i didn't want to see you. i don't think i can ever bear that - not seeing you. it broke me in those weeks that i didn't. it'll break me if i know that i won't ever again.
***
i know you're so caught up with your job. and i know that you're just establishing yourself. and i'm so proud of you for accomplishing so much in your work.
but, at least, i know you missed me, sniffer. i'm glad you did.
coz i did too.
***
and , now, i resolve to let you be all the more. i won't pressure you. and i will just be here for you.
i guess that's how much i love you.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
resolutions
my heart and my mind are both overwhelmed right now. the former with emotions, the latter with thoughts.
it's been the heaviest week for me, sniffer. and i have finally come up with a resolution.
i will let you be. not let you go, but let you be.
any logical person would tell me to stop this madness and move on. but i know i can't yet. and i know that the right time will come when i'll finally decide to move on, if i need to.
but for now, i will let you be. you will have so many excuses right now as to why you can't see me. i will accept that.
but i know this for a fact-you know my worth. i know you do. it's what you're gonna do about it that's scaring you because you're really not ready for anything. in plain truth-you're not that into me. or maybe not just yet. that's why i'll let you be. until you finally have the courage to see me or talk to me again.
because i know one day you will.
until then, i will just be around. i will try to make my life normal again. i will try to be ready to be extraordinary again. because that's what i am-extraordinary. and you know that.
i know i will always have a special place in your heart. you will always have a space in mine too.
but until you finally appreciate my worth, i will let you be.
i won't leave you. i will just be here, most especially if you need me. because we were, first and foremost, friends. and i'd like to think we still are.
and if you're ready to see me or talk to me, i will be here. i won't drive you away.
***
in the movie "dan in real life", it was said that love is not a feeling, but an ability.
i love you, sniffer. i chose to love you. and i know i haven't exhausted all my efforts yet to show you and prove you that.
that's why i'm letting you be.
it's been the heaviest week for me, sniffer. and i have finally come up with a resolution.
i will let you be. not let you go, but let you be.
any logical person would tell me to stop this madness and move on. but i know i can't yet. and i know that the right time will come when i'll finally decide to move on, if i need to.
but for now, i will let you be. you will have so many excuses right now as to why you can't see me. i will accept that.
but i know this for a fact-you know my worth. i know you do. it's what you're gonna do about it that's scaring you because you're really not ready for anything. in plain truth-you're not that into me. or maybe not just yet. that's why i'll let you be. until you finally have the courage to see me or talk to me again.
because i know one day you will.
until then, i will just be around. i will try to make my life normal again. i will try to be ready to be extraordinary again. because that's what i am-extraordinary. and you know that.
i know i will always have a special place in your heart. you will always have a space in mine too.
but until you finally appreciate my worth, i will let you be.
i won't leave you. i will just be here, most especially if you need me. because we were, first and foremost, friends. and i'd like to think we still are.
and if you're ready to see me or talk to me, i will be here. i won't drive you away.
***
in the movie "dan in real life", it was said that love is not a feeling, but an ability.
i love you, sniffer. i chose to love you. and i know i haven't exhausted all my efforts yet to show you and prove you that.
that's why i'm letting you be.
Monday, March 10, 2008
i miss you.
so much that it's breaking my heart.
please let me know if you still think of me. please still be there.
please let me know if you still think of me. please still be there.
Friday, March 7, 2008
reminiscing
i remember the last time we were together, sniffer.
you cannot imagine how happy i was that night. I was nervous. I shocked myself. But I said those things and did those things because I wanted to let you know and feel that I'm here, i'm present and that i want you. and that there's a chance for both of us. and that it's you i would want to do it with in the future.
it was so... intimate and so crazy! but i didn't regret it. and i enjoyed it because it was with you.
i can't stop myself from wanting to go back to the moment when you hugged me, when you kissed my head, when you smelled my hair, when you looked at me that way. desired me that way. kissed me that way.
i want it back, sniffer. i need it back. i need YOU back.
please don't leave.
you cannot imagine how happy i was that night. I was nervous. I shocked myself. But I said those things and did those things because I wanted to let you know and feel that I'm here, i'm present and that i want you. and that there's a chance for both of us. and that it's you i would want to do it with in the future.
it was so... intimate and so crazy! but i didn't regret it. and i enjoyed it because it was with you.
i can't stop myself from wanting to go back to the moment when you hugged me, when you kissed my head, when you smelled my hair, when you looked at me that way. desired me that way. kissed me that way.
i want it back, sniffer. i need it back. i need YOU back.
please don't leave.
confused. and hurt.
sniffer, what did i do?
i haven't seen you for 2 weeks now. I haven't talked to you for almost 2 weeks now.
did i say something wrong? did i do something wrong? what? why?!
my heart is breaking and i don't understand why you suddenly shifted moods. was it something i said the last time we talked? i was just feeling so lonely and so sad that time. please understand.
i'm sorry. if it pissed you off, how i reacted to why you couldn't see me, i'm sorry. i didn't get mad, i promise.
did i turn you off? what made you become this way? why did you suddenly shut yourself off?
sniffer, i miss you so much. i wanna see you so badly but i can't ask you nor contact for fear that i might irritate you. again.
sniffer, what did i do? please call me, message me, keep in touch with me.
i had this fear last week when we had that little 'fight'. i thought you wouldn't want to hear from me again.
But you sent me a message last monday. and i honestly got surprised. why did you ask how i was? and why after a few exchange of messages and after you found out i was out of town you did not keep in touch anymore?
sniffer, please don't break my heart. please.
i love you and i miss you.
i haven't seen you for 2 weeks now. I haven't talked to you for almost 2 weeks now.
did i say something wrong? did i do something wrong? what? why?!
my heart is breaking and i don't understand why you suddenly shifted moods. was it something i said the last time we talked? i was just feeling so lonely and so sad that time. please understand.
i'm sorry. if it pissed you off, how i reacted to why you couldn't see me, i'm sorry. i didn't get mad, i promise.
did i turn you off? what made you become this way? why did you suddenly shut yourself off?
sniffer, i miss you so much. i wanna see you so badly but i can't ask you nor contact for fear that i might irritate you. again.
sniffer, what did i do? please call me, message me, keep in touch with me.
i had this fear last week when we had that little 'fight'. i thought you wouldn't want to hear from me again.
But you sent me a message last monday. and i honestly got surprised. why did you ask how i was? and why after a few exchange of messages and after you found out i was out of town you did not keep in touch anymore?
sniffer, please don't break my heart. please.
i love you and i miss you.
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