the weekend of the new moon.

i wonder if last night was the first time you saw me after we last saw each other.
i wonder if you've been seeing me around but i just didn't see you and last night was the first time i did.
i wonder if we happened to literally bump into each other would you say hi or avoid me the way you did last night.

just so you know, i saw you last night. even if you tried to hide. even if you tried to avoid me.

i just pretended not to see you coz i knew you'd be uncomfortable.

i'm not mad at you. but i hope you had the courage to face me.

dream thought

i didn't want to write anymore but i dreamt of you again last night.

we were going somewhere, a trip to the beach.

but you felt distant. it felt like you just went with me because i wanted you to come with me, not because you really wanted to go with me.

again, the feeling of uncertainty that i felt when i was seeing you before was evident in my dream. that uncertainty, that sadness.

and now i realize, was that how you felt that time, when we started seeing each other?

did you just go on seeing me because you saw that i wanted to be with you? to see you more? that i wanted you now?

did you just force yourself to go out with me because you didn't have the guts to say no to me that time?

was that it?



were there any feelings for me at all?

anniversary of the beautiful moon

Sniffer,

Tonight, at 8, it'll be a year since we first saw each other again. As I recall what transpired that night, I melt into sad epiphanies.

How did it happen? How did it start? There wasn't even a goodbye.

But you were suddenly gone. Too soon gone.

***

As I anxiously waited for you to arrive that time, tonight, I will start purging myself of you and all the memories that went with the year that I thought was for us.

***

I cried for you for one whole year. I have never done that for a person in my whole lifetime.

But I allowed it. Because my heart felt much too deep of a pain from a love that was never given a chance.

Because I loved someone so deeply and was hurt.

Because I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH.

***

I hope that this will be the last time I write for you here. My heart has been so weary for too long. I need to sleep away this pain again and dream of a beautiful morning when I awake.

And when I open my eyes after that long slumber, I hope to wake up and smile at the face that will make me say "now, i love again."

***

People I know, places I go, make me feel tongue-tied
I can see how people look down, they're on the inside.
Here's where the story ends.
People I see, weary of me showing my good side.
I can see how people look down.
I'm on the outside.
Here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story end.

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.
Oh, I never should have said, the books that you read
Were all I loved you for.
It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes me wonder why.
And it's the memories of your shed that make me turn red.
Surprise, surprise, surprise...

Crazy I know, places I go
make me feel so tired.
I can see how people look down.
I'm on the outside.
Oh, here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story ends.

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.
And who ever would've thought the books that you brought
Were all I loved you for.
Oh. the devil in me said, go down to the shed.
I know where I belong.
But the only thing I ever really wanted to say
was wrong, was wrong, was wrong...

It's that little souvenir of a colourful year
which makes me smile inside.
So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way
Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise...

Here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story ends...

a hello. a goodbye. a hello.

something was born on your day.

i did it because i needed another reason for me to cry.

but i ended up realizing that what you did to me was really more painful because i didn't shed a single tear while it was being born.

i sent you messages greeting you on your birthday. twice. in two different ways.

but i never got a reply. as i expected, but not as i hoped.

and that's when i shed not just one tear.

i flooded my heart.

***

there's something about cleaning bedrooms that painfully soothes me.

it must be all the rearranging, de-cluttering and dumping of things that mean a lot despite it's triviality that gets to me.

i was sorting through all my stuff in my bedroom on the last day of that terrible year - which ones to keep, which ones to recycle and which ones to throw out.

all this while the songbird hummed in my ears.

then THE song was played.

again, whatever was in my heart - the happiness of finding you again, the joy of the thought that there was hope for us, the heartaches these brought (yes, even the happy moments we had has brought me pain lately), the confusion, the uncertainty, the pain of rejection - all came flowing out through my eyes.

and, finally, a truly painful thought stirred me. I needed to say goodbye. I had to say goodbye to you. along with all the souvenirs of the past year.

and i resolved to let it all out one last time just as i was about to say goodbye to the year that crushed and crippled me.

***
i awaited a new year knowing there will be new futures, new hopes and a chance to be reborn and be able to run wild and free again. be the glorious horse.

and i had to accept that there might be no more you in that new future... because God knows when our paths will cross again. and if there's a continuation to our story.

but you tried to find out about me and you probably didn't want me to know.

but i found out.

now i know i really mattered.

thank you.