fantasy

i saw your car again last night.

there's still a tug in my heart.

it made me feel sad.

i'm living on fantasies of you.

you back

holding me tight in your arms.

no good.

i'm pathetic.

i'm still stuck.

i still think about you.

i still cry about you.

i still long for you.

i'm still hoping.

and i'm still waiting for you
to come back.

instincts and melancholic realizations

i should've listened to my instinct last night.

i already felt that something was gonna happen that night that would make me uneasy. the feeling was just there.

a few minutes after, i saw your car pass by.

i didn't see you. but i saw your car. and it was enough.

i felt like my mind was erased blank all of a sudden. i was trying to listen to my bestfriend talk about his recent discoveries but his words fell on deaf ears. i was not there. i was not ready for any sign of your presence even if i hoped for it.

and i felt really sad all over again.

when i got home, tears started to flow again. and i didn't know what i was crying about exactly.

as i think about it now, i should've listened to my instincts a long time ago.

but i just had to give my poor little heart a chance to feel again. it doesn't happen often anyway.

i guess i gave it too much of a chance.

too much, i allowed it to be stomped on.

very apt

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

Insensitive

Insensitive

- by Jann Arden

***

i didn't realize how appropriate this song was for me when i sang this at a party i went to a few nights ago.

and, as i hoped i wouldn't, i cried a river of tears again that night as i was about to go home.

i wanna bury this pain.

i'm slowly digging the grave.

again.

i dreamt of you again last night.

i don't think about you anymore. i try not to.

but you're just there.

and i still cry over you.

and despite the foolishness that i feel for still hanging on, i still hope.

and i still believe.

are you supposed to be here forever?

because it's been painful.

because of last night

Out of reach
by Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be ok

But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

And now I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach I can see
There’s a life out there for me

***

i allowed myself to be stupid last night.
i pleaded to you.
i swallowed my pride.
i allowed myself to look and seem desperate.
i was.... desperate for a friend, for someone to talk to, for you.

and i had my ego crushed.


i don't matter to you. and i don't deserve this.

but as long as you're still occupying even the farthest crevices of my brain and the deepest recesses of my heart, i will write here.

until you're gone. really gone.

grey and blue

i've been crying again lately...

not just because of you, but of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.

but mostly because of you.

i've been meeting people. new friends and old.

some have expressed interest.

and whenever i think about giving it a try, i cry.

i'm not ready to let go of you. not just yet.

i know.

because i dreamt of you last night.

we were about to make love in my dream.

now everything's a blur.

...

Latest Mistake
by Mandy Moore

There is part of me that wants an answer
And part of me that doesn't want to know
Part of you that I am in love with
And the part that I am willing to let go

This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Maybe I shouldn't do this
Or love you anymore

Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you'll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don't understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone's gonna have to step up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake