grey and blue

i've been crying again lately...

not just because of you, but of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.

but mostly because of you.

i've been meeting people. new friends and old.

some have expressed interest.

and whenever i think about giving it a try, i cry.

i'm not ready to let go of you. not just yet.

i know.

because i dreamt of you last night.

we were about to make love in my dream.

now everything's a blur.

...

Latest Mistake
by Mandy Moore

There is part of me that wants an answer
And part of me that doesn't want to know
Part of you that I am in love with
And the part that I am willing to let go

This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Maybe I shouldn't do this
Or love you anymore

Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you'll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don't understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone's gonna have to step up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

unwell.

people have been telling me to move on, to open myself to possibilities - other possibilities of love.

i've been trying to entertain the idea.

i don't know. i don't feel ready for it. but i'm thinking about it.

and this morning, just when i started thinking about the possibility of seeing other people again, i cried again.

and it hurt so much.

and i realized that i'm really not yet ready.

you see, sniffer, i still can't let go.

i'm still hoping.

i still believe.

i still love you.

surprise. surprise.

i thought that the first half of this year would end with you gone.

and then you suddenly wanted to see me.

i fell in shock when i saw your message asking me out for coffee.

and then i knew this was the chance i was waiting for to talk to you, to tell you what i feel and what i think about things.

but i was so nervous to see you again.

i tried to be cold when i saw you. but i couldn't help it. i couldn't help but warm up a bit to you.

i was so bothered thinking of how to broach the topic so i just kept quiet most of the time.

and the place where you took me. it was something. it was so nice i couldn't help but loosen up, cozy up to the place, to you.

i had a nice time. but i began to feel that my purpose won't be fulfilled before the night ends.

i knew i had to do something since you seemed oblivious to the fact that you have been gone.

and just as i was about to get out of your car, i stopped myself and opened up.

i'm glad i talked to you about it, about how i felt. i'm glad i was able to be honest to you. because i wanted to lay the foundation of honesty again in our relationship, whatever relationship this is called.

i felt a bit of relief after that. hearing your answers reassured me that, yes, i really know how you think somehow.
and, yes, i still mattered to you.

but i also got worried about you, hearing your reason for not keeping in touch that long.

i was proud of you, trying to learn, trying to grow. but i got worried for you. you deserve so much better, sniffer. but, i guess, this is part of your growing pains. and if you have to go through this to come out a better person, then i'll just be here for you, whatever happens.

i am your friend too.

i will always be here for you.

and i still love you.

dreams

1
i invited you to give a talk to a group of people at an event. you said yes. but i found it weird that you looked like how you were back in college when you transferred already at the other university. your hair was how i saw it in one of your pictures in your bedroom.

you were wearing an orange shirt, which was strange because you don't wear that color.

you delivered your talk in tagalog, which was another strange thing, because you taught english grammar.

while delivering your talk, you addressed one girl in the audience (who was also in orange) as "babe", and asked her a question in english. i remember feeling so furious when you did that. but i also remembered that talk about calling me 'dear' not 'babe'. i couldn't see her face. she was petite though. and i only remember her hair.

at the end of your talk, the same girl approached you and talked to you. i was already feeling jealous. and my jealousy heightened when you left the venue with her. i was so furious and so hurt that my friend had to comfort me. it also felt weird that i didn't know her but i knew her name.

i was surprised when you came back. but i only saw you from afar. you were looking for someone. i knew you were looking for me because i was the only one who knew in that event.

i was relieved for a moment. but when you saw me looking at you, you suddenly avoided my look and left as if you got scared.

i was so hurt in that dream. it felt real. so real that i woke up crying.


2
i was inside a bedroom that looked like mine. my mom was knocking at the door so i opened it and she told me that something was already taken care of, that your parents already bought it for my parents and that i need not worry about it. in my dream i felt weird about that. i was thinking why would your parents do that for my parents. and i realized in my dream that we were already married, probably civilly, and that your parents wanted us to get married because of my situation. i was pregnant in my dream.

i was in a big bedroom, a bedroom which seemed like it was situated in a condominium. i was lying down on the bed, taking my rest, talking to a fat, asian-looking woman who seemed like she was a stand-up comedienne. she was trying to make me laugh. she was asking me how i could have ridiculously forgotten to inform my friends that i already got married to you.

in my dream, i was only 2 months pregnant but i already felt the belly bump. i was telling this woman how i excited i was for the baby.

at one end of the room near the big bedroom windows, you were seated in front of the computer busy doing work. i was rubbing my belly when i felt 2 heartbeats. i was so excited i called you to come over so you could also feel the heartbeat. you wouldn't leave what you were doing. i called over and over again but you wouldn't come. until you finally stood up and walked a few steps, but your eyes and your attention was still on the computer. i felt so disappointed because of your reaction that i said 'nevermind'. and the moment i said that, you immediately went back to your work.

i went to sit on the floor by the bedroom window just behind you and just stared at the view outside. i looked at you and i felt sad. the fat lady saw everything that happened. she went to me and asked me what's the problem with you. i just said you're too busy. she asked me if i was ok with that, if i was ok about everything. and i replied to her saying 'this is how it is'.

again, i woke up with tears in my eyes.


3
we were lying on my bed.
you were looking straight in my eyes, touching my face.
your eyes were sad.
and you hugged me and kissed me.
and then you said you missed me.

i wished it to be true. i yearned for it to be so true.


4
a short one. you said you missed me. you hugged me and kissed me.


5
i was with a friend at a beach resort that looked like the one i went to recently. i was surprised to see you there. and then you kept me company. but i was feeling a bit of distance. the distance i felt the last time i saw you. in my dream, i was denying that feeling. you were there but i didn't feel you "there".

we crossed the beach walking, you were walking ahead of me, eager to reach the shore. when my friend had the chance to talk to me alone, she asked me i was with you. i told her you wanted to go with me. and she said i should be cautious now, that i should guard myself this time and guard my heart coz you might disappear again anytime just like you did.

you were walking ahead of us. i was still having a talk with my friend so we continued walking but you stayed at the deck near the shore. i left my bag and my phones with you before proceeding to that walk and you said you might go ahead later on back to our room.

when my friend and i got back to the deck, you were gone with the things i left with you except for my phone. i figured you went ahead back to our room already and you had my bag with you.

it was a long walk going back to the rooms. when we reached the floor of our rooms, i was shocked to hear two voices coming from our bedroom. one was yours. the other one was a female person's. the bedroom had two doors beside each other. both doors were open. the entrance to the bedroom looked like my own bedroom.

since both doors were already open, i partly saw the view of the room, but i already saw the edge of the bed. and i could see that you were lying on the bed because i saw your legs near the edge. but i also saw the view of the back of the girl who was on top of you. both of you weren't naked but it seemed like you were having sex while talking. i could hear you both talking.

my friend was walking ahead of me. she was already able to enter the room and i was just behind her. i almost entered the room. and as if sensing the tension and the panic that i was feeling, she slammed the other door shut so i wouldn't have to see the whole thing that was happening inside our room.

i couldn't find myself entering the room anymore. i was in shock, in pain. i couldn't breathe and tears were just flowing from my eyes. i was in a daze. i didn't know if i was going to run away from that place or if i was going to show up inside the room. i felt so confused.

i think i tried to run away silently. but my tears overflowed and i was having trouble breathing i wanted to scream. just like how i wanted to scream when i learned about the post you made at this site that our friend saw.

surprisingly, i woke up not crying. i was just relieved to know that it was just a dream. but it made me think.


6
we were at a store that looked like saks on fifth avenue in new york. we started running after each other, sometimes holding hands sometimes just running like kids playing tag. we were happy like kids. i felt happy.

sometimes, while running, you would be so near me, you'd grab me and hug me from behind and smell my hair. and we'd just continue running and gliding like the floors were so smooth to glide on. i felt so good at those times.

later on, it seemed like we were both running to catch up on something, like having to meet a deadline. at the end of that store, there was an elevator. we went inside it. and when it opened to a different floor, we got off to an office that looked like a psychiatrist's office.

you sat on one chair and there was another man in the room, a foreigner. he was surprised to see me there. he was a bit alarmed actually. i think he was still the one in session and that we came too early. he wasn't finished yet so he told me i wasn't supposed to be there in the room. i looked at you and had a questioning look on my face. and, as if, reading my mind, you said it was ok, that i can wait outside until it was your turn, that you were going to wait inside because it was ok and that you were next. and i figured that this was a visit to your psychiatrist. i was about to go out of the room when the man asked me a favor that if a man named howard was looking for him, have howard go inside the room.

i went outside. and then i woke up.

***

i wish i knew what my dreams about you meant. i wish they could give me answers to my questions. i wish it held the key to unlocking the mystery that is you.

blind. dense.

why are you hurting me? why are you hurting me this way? don't i matter to you anymore? do i still matter to you? do you still think about me? why don't you try to see me? why won't you see me and talk to me? do you still wanna see me? do you still think i'm special? what's wrong? why are you pulling the plug? or have you already pulled the plug a long time ago? why are you breaking my heart? why? why can't you just let me know what's on your mind even if it might hurt me? are we friends? are we still friends? do you still see me as more than a friend? can you still see me as more than a friend? do you still like me? do you still love me? did you ever love me? do you feel that i love you? do you KNOW that i love you? do you know that you're hurting me right now? do you know that i cry because of you nowadays? are you deliberately doing this to really hurt me? why? what for? don't you want me anymore? don't you love me anymore? don't you miss me anymore? are you really breaking my heart on purpose? why? why didn't you give us a chance? why didn't you let our love grow? why?

...

Unsaid
by Julianne

Do I have to lose you now
So I can gain you some other time?
Do I have to take a bow,
End the show before the curtain call?

Do I have to look the other way
Coz we just got too much to say?
Did it even have to be like this
For you and I? I wanna know why.

Even if I know what I've been told
To let go means to surrender my control.
But it isn't easy to have loved and not survive.
Was is for the wrong reason?
Or maybe the wrong season?

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

Do I have to be broken one last time
So I can be made whole again?
Do I have to be chastised
To be saved and rescued from the fire?

Do I have to be reminded of all this
That I didn't even own a thing to begin with?
No right to claim,
No right to put the blame
On anyone or anything

Even if I know what I've been told
To let go means to surrender my control.
But it isn't easy to have loved and not survive.
Was is for the wrong reason?
Or maybe the wrong season

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

Do I have to watch you go ahead
Leaving me with out a word said?
Do I even get the opportunity to say my plea?
I hope now you're hearing me.

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

I wanted to see the light.
I wanted you to see the light.
I wanted us to see the light.
... Open up your eyes time
To open up our eyes...

dream

sniffer,

i had a dream about you last night.
we met up.
you missed me.
you hugged me.
you held my face in your hands.
you kissed me.

when i woke up, i prayed so hard for it to come true.

is it possible to let go and still hope?