grey and blue

i've been crying again lately...

not just because of you, but of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.

but mostly because of you.

i've been meeting people. new friends and old.

some have expressed interest.

and whenever i think about giving it a try, i cry.

i'm not ready to let go of you. not just yet.

i know.

because i dreamt of you last night.

we were about to make love in my dream.

now everything's a blur.

...

Latest Mistake
by Mandy Moore

There is part of me that wants an answer
And part of me that doesn't want to know
Part of you that I am in love with
And the part that I am willing to let go

This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Maybe I shouldn't do this
Or love you anymore

Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you'll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don't understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone's gonna have to step up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

unwell.

people have been telling me to move on, to open myself to possibilities - other possibilities of love.

i've been trying to entertain the idea.

i don't know. i don't feel ready for it. but i'm thinking about it.

and this morning, just when i started thinking about the possibility of seeing other people again, i cried again.

and it hurt so much.

and i realized that i'm really not yet ready.

you see, sniffer, i still can't let go.

i'm still hoping.

i still believe.

i still love you.

surprise. surprise.

i thought that the first half of this year would end with you gone.

and then you suddenly wanted to see me.

i fell in shock when i saw your message asking me out for coffee.

and then i knew this was the chance i was waiting for to talk to you, to tell you what i feel and what i think about things.

but i was so nervous to see you again.

i tried to be cold when i saw you. but i couldn't help it. i couldn't help but warm up a bit to you.

i was so bothered thinking of how to broach the topic so i just kept quiet most of the time.

and the place where you took me. it was something. it was so nice i couldn't help but loosen up, cozy up to the place, to you.

i had a nice time. but i began to feel that my purpose won't be fulfilled before the night ends.

i knew i had to do something since you seemed oblivious to the fact that you have been gone.

and just as i was about to get out of your car, i stopped myself and opened up.

i'm glad i talked to you about it, about how i felt. i'm glad i was able to be honest to you. because i wanted to lay the foundation of honesty again in our relationship, whatever relationship this is called.

i felt a bit of relief after that. hearing your answers reassured me that, yes, i really know how you think somehow.
and, yes, i still mattered to you.

but i also got worried about you, hearing your reason for not keeping in touch that long.

i was proud of you, trying to learn, trying to grow. but i got worried for you. you deserve so much better, sniffer. but, i guess, this is part of your growing pains. and if you have to go through this to come out a better person, then i'll just be here for you, whatever happens.

i am your friend too.

i will always be here for you.

and i still love you.